Morrill Hall—During his Introduction to Anthropology discussion section earlier this week, Kevin Quoc ‘22 reportedly veered off-track from the assigned readings and began a line of inquiry closely drawing on an episode of the hit History Channel show, “Ancient Aliens.”
When the TA asked if anyone had questions about the migration patterns discussed in lecture Quoc abruptly raised his hand to contribute.
“I was wondering what you guys think of the influence of the ancient Sumerian Annunaki or ‘sky people’ on the rapid advancement of language and agricultural practices observed in the fertile crescent,” said Quoc. “Does anyone have a good explanation for how the ancient Egyptians were able to construct the pyramids with only the primitive tools available at the time? I don’t buy it.”
Quoc’s classmates were justifiably thrown off by his question, raising such concerns as “maybe the Annunaki weren’t real” and “Aliens didn’t build the pyramids Kevin.” However, he was prepared for these ancient astronaut skeptics.
“You can’t definitively prove that aliens weren’t around back in the 3000’s B.C.E,” argued Quoc. “It’s intellectually dishonest to discuss early human civilization without taking into account the likely influence of ancient astronauts.”
After diverting 15 minutes of valuable class time for his cable television based query, Quoc continued his pursuit of truth for the rest of the day. At press time, he was reportedly sitting with his hand raised in a European History lecture, prepared to launch into a long rant about secret plans detailing Adolf Hitler’s undeveloped alien superweapon.
RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING—Following Sonia Sotomayor’s absence from the Supreme Court to speak at Cornell, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has been frantically attempting to push through a new judicial confirmation before the Associate Justice returns on Friday.
“The American people elected this President and this Congress to appoint conservatives to every Supreme Court vacancy, including those caused by a brief trip to New York State’s only land-grant university,” McConnell said while checking the Ithaca weather forecast in the hopes that Sotomayor’s flight would be delayed. “I am confident this seat will be filled before Justice Sotomayor or the Senate Democrats have a chance to return to DC.”
While President Trump has yet to name a nominee, McConnell has been quietly lobbying him to choose a candidate he knows the Senate could quickly confirm, such as a tenured district judge or Harvey Weinstein.
“The Democrats will try to obstruct this clearly legitimate nomination no matter who is selected,” said Senate Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley, “but we have both the ability to unilaterally change Senate rules and the lack of Ithaca transportation options on our side.”
When polled, students overwhelmingly said they want Cornell to cancel the event to protect Sotomayor’s seat, or at least provide more tickets to undergraduates.
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — Admitting that it will probably happen in his bright future, Government major Conrad Davis ’17 is convinced that he could actually be a great president someday.
“I know it’s a long shot, but I’d do a good job,” Davis said, his voice resonating with the leadership of a true patriot. “I’ve been passing almost all my Government classes, and I know that I’m right about everything.”
One of Davis’ classmates, Ari Hoboken ’17, concurred. “He’s overbearing and awful in section, so I try not to interact with him,” she said. “That sounds like presidential material.”
Davis stated that he probably has everything he needs, except a little real-world experience.
“I’ve got a trust fund that could start off my campaign, and ideas from class readings. Every time I start talking, people get really quiet like they’re listening intently.”
Davis added that his mother has been telling him that he could be president ever since he was little, and she’s never wrong.