Wines Student Passes Final, Demands End to Boxed Wine

ITHACA, NY-Wines Expert Jeffrey Lerman ‘14 is on a mission to remove boxed wine from all Cornell parties. “Boxed wine is too earthy. The vintage is too oaky,” he claims. Lerman, whose wine expertise includes recently receiving a 75 on his Introduction to Wines final, demands that “enough is enough.” “Boxed wine has no legs, no nose, and no body,” he added. “It’s literally a smelling-challenged, detached head,” Lerman proclaimed, as he chuckled pretentiously to himself.

Lerman recommends that partygoers experiment with their palate while out with friends. “Anybody can slap the bag, but the educated oenophile prefers to slap the 2006 Russian River Valley Pinot Noir.” When asked to elaborate on the recommendation, Lerman flipped through flashcards and deemed the wine “full,” “herbaceous,” and “jammy.” “To be honest, I’m don’t really remember anything about the Pinot. Those were the answers I guessed on the test. That’s okay though, I only needed a 70 to pass.”

Nonetheless, Lerman feels strongly about ending boxed wine once and for all. Continuing to flip through seemingly alphabetized flash cards, Lerman lambasted boxed wine for being too “cloying,” “coarse,” and “cash flow insolvency,” adding that “Franzia clearly lacks liquidity to pay debts as they fall due.” Lerman immediately corrected himself, noting that the final flash card was from his financial accounting studying and was not supposed to be with the wines cards.

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