700 Valedictorians Ready to Resume ‘Smartest Student’ status

ITHACA- Claiming that they were all up for the challenge and mentally prepared to face anything in their way, all 700 high school valedictorians of the incoming freshman class asserted today that they were ready to resume their status as smartest student in the school.

“I worked pretty hard in my public high school to be the smartest person, so what’s stopping me from being the smartest person at this incredibly prestigious university?” asked Molly Wissen ’18, who bested her fellow high school classmates with an impressive 96.4 average and six AP classes.

“The fact that Cornell only accepted a handful of the 40,000 applicants it got this year doesn’t scare me. All I need to do is put in the hard work, keep myself from procrastinating, and be better than some future Nobel Prize winners. Shouldn’t be too difficult.”

It was later reported that the 1,100 salutatorians in the incoming freshman class were ready to overthrow those cocky valedictorians and take back what is rightfully theirs.

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