Cornell Announces New Assistant Diving Coach to Nobody in Particular

HELEN NEWMAN- The Cornell Diving team issued a short statement today, announcing the hiring of new assistant coach Margaret Baxter to nobody really.

“We’re excited to welcome Margaret Baxter to the Cornell diving family, where her previous expertise will go unnoticed by almost all of the student population,” boasted head diving coach Joe Lucia, who made the statement in front of a completely empty auditorium. “What Margaret brings to the table is a focus on conditioning and strong form, as well as nothing that will really register on the radars of over 99% of Cornellians.”

Lucia later went on to say that he was excited and optimistic for the upcoming season, however the declaration went unheard by anybody, because he mumbled it under his breath on the way to his car.

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