Uris Cocktail Lounge Confusingly Bans Cocktail Consumption

URIS LIBRARY — Uris Library has angrily clarified today that “under no circumstances are cocktails to be consumed in the Uris Cocktail Lounge,” confusing a large number of students.

“You are not allowed to drink alcohol in Uris Library and attempts to do so will be dealt with accordingly,” explained the Library spokesperson in spite of the fact that the recent addition to Uris Library is clearly called the “Cocktail Lounge,” and cocktail lounges are places where people go to have a drink after a hard day of work.

Students expressed confusion over the clarification. “Generally, names of buildings guide me around campus. I always go to Mann Library because I am a male,  I make baked goods only in Baker Hall, and I never do any woodworking outside of Carpenter,” said Senior Kevin Zhang.

“If I want to kick back in Uris Library and enjoy a martini with a nice view of the slope, then I need to do that in the Cocktail Lounge, right?”

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