BDSM Fanatic Unsure Whether to Feel Horny or Concerned After Experiencing Shortness of Breath

PRINCETON, NJ—Upon returning home from campus, sexual deviant Jack Bergen ‘22 was unsure whether to be aroused or worried after experiencing shortness of breath, one of the primary symptoms of COVID-19.

“I would normally love the asphyxiation,” said Bergen. “But with this whole Coronavirus shebang I’m not sure if my difficulty breathing is concerning enough for me to get tested or if I should just continue with a good ol’ fashioned choke and stroke.”

Bergen has been practicing social distancing through solo sessions and livestreams of his Opus Dei style self-whipping routine on his OnlyFans account since returning home. However, he did engage in a ten person end-of-semester orgy in his Collegetown sex wigwam one week ago where he had supposedly asked several participants to “spit in every one of his holes.”

“The 104 degree fever I’ve had for the past three days is probably another indicator that I should get tested, but honestly nothing gets me more primal than a little temperature play,” claimed Bergen. “At this point I’m mostly worried that the choking sensation and temperature play combined with some tickle torture during a nose swab would cause me to blow my load right then and there!”

Bergen was later rushed to the ER, where he specifically asked nurses not to put him on a ventilator if his breathing worsened and said he wants to be awake to feel the breathing tube going down his throat if it comes to it.

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