BARTON HALL – During Cornell’s Biannual ClubFest, shocking revelations came to light that US Army ROTC recruiters had been intentionally targeting innocent civilians, with the vast majority of recruiting targets being misidentified by military officials.
“That information is classified,” proclaimed Army First Lieutenant James McChad. “While every innocent casualty is a tragedy, the unfortunate truth is that we can’t wait long enough to be sure our recruits are veterans before we go in for the kill. Some people might question our methods, but you don’t know the full story. Of course, we won’t be releasing any confidential intelligence that reveals the full story, so you’re just going to have to trust us on this one.”
A whistleblower report from within Cornell ROTC’s ranks revealed that 9 in 10 potential cadets engaged by Army personnel were civilians, and even more were likely improperly categorized. Internal ROTC documents revealed that recruiters counted any “military-age male” as a potential target, and that they had intentionally misidentified themselves as a Community Service organization to get greater access to the non-military population.
“There I was in the Community Service section,” explained freshman Johnathan Shunck ‘26, “trying to join a charitable organization. I saw exactly what I expected: APO, United Way, EMS, and… the U.S. Army? I stared, taken aback by their placement, when all of a sudden I was bum-rushed by three uniformed officers promising free healthcare. It could be mine, they said, unless of course I had autism, asthma, depression, a broken bone after the age of 13, or anything that would actually require healthcare.”
At press time, Cornell ROTC has placed surveillance drones over any reporter asking questions about the program, citing “national security concerns.”