Future Serial Killer? Student Spends Real Dollars At Okenshields

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Like lambs to slaughter, the latest victims of Cornell’s most indigestible dining hall were lining up for their daily source of slop. The lamenting calls of students who had used up the remainder of their BRBs early in the semester echoed in the air. A chill passed through Willard Straight Hall and students fell pin-drop silent as an eerie figure approached. 

“It was so creepy” shuddered Erin Thomas ’25 “I mean, first he was wearing a white shirt when all of us Okies Outcasts know that the stir-fry has a mind of its own. But then…. then he like SMILED at people in the line… almost like he was excited to eat his lunch or something.” 

General apprehension morphed into outright horror when the mysterious figure approached the employee and made the most bone-chilling request to ever grace the dungeon of Willard Straight.

“He said…. he said ‘excuse me ma’am, I don’t have a dining hall plan, but I do love eating at this dining hall. I would be more than happy to spend the 18 American dollars required to eat this delicious meal,’“ reported dining hall worker Kyla Evans ‘23, tears pricking her eyes. 

Several students report nearly vomiting as the “Michael Meyers of Okenshields” plucked a crisp twenty from his wallet, paid for his meal, and gleefully told the cashier to ‘keep the change.’” Since the incident, 80% percent of students are reportedly more concerned for their safety. In response, the administration is warning students to avoid Okenshields whenever possible.

“No shit” said every single student surveyed “literally everyone I know was already doing that anyway.”

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