New Cornell Mental Health Service Just Two Suspicious-Looking Italian Guys With A Baseball Bat

HO PLAZA—Following multiple reports of substandard mental healthcare accessibility on campus, Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) were restructured to just be two malicious-looking Sicilian men with baseball bats

“We’re just here to help, capisce?” claimed new CAPS counselor Antonio Gambino. “If you’re feeling down in the dumps, just come on up the river and I’ll take you out for a quick chat with Sal Torrino, my brother. He’s good people, I promise this goombah is an absolute boss at talk therapy. He’ll give you an offer you can’t refuse and you’ll be back up and at ‘em in no time, that sound good?”

While engaging new patients, Gambino would crack his knuckles every time the patient engaged in fatalistic thought processes or demeaned themselves, while Torrino would continuously sway his bat above his shoulder in an attempt to sooth students in crisis. Unfortunately, many students were unconvinced this was evidence-based mental healthcare, instead perceiving these treatments as threats on their lives.

“Sal was definitely wearing brass knuckles,” explained Sarah Bower ‘25. “Every time I shared my feelings Tony would get into this baseball stance. He probably meant it as some kind of affirmation, but I was absolutely sure he was going to start swinging. I was terrified because all of their questions sounded a bit like interrogation to me. They asked me if I was a fink, and when I said I wasn’t sure, they told me I better figure it out soon or I’d be ‘sleeping with the fishes,’ and I’m not sure if that was a death threat or a genuine observation about my lack of introspection.”

After a thorough review of student service ratings,  Cornell unveiled that student satisfaction with care had increased two hundred percent.

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