OP-ED: It’s Not My Fault That I Accidentally Complimented Your Mom on Her “Old-Person Costume”

In a phenomenon akin to the rare confluence of Passover, Ramadan, and Easter, this past weekend saw the intersection of two sacred festivals: Halloween and Parents Weekend. Despite my best attempts to respect and honor both traditions, I have been subject to allegations that I “crossed a line,” and that your mother’s very convincing great-grandma costume was, in fact, her natural appearance.

I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize if your mother was offended by my well-intentioned comments. Perhaps instead of remarking, “Hey, old geezer!” when you introduced us, I should have first asked her if she was wearing a costume. Furthermore, I wish I had exercised restraint instead of inquiring whether she was dressed as “an alum from the Class of ‘45.” In my defense, your mom dated herself by admitting that Morrison Dining didn’t exist when she was a student.

Maybe it was presumptuous to ask if your mom “used paper-mache to get those cool wrinkles.” But to get mad at me is to ignore the true source of evil behind this unfortunate misunderstanding: the Office of the Registrar. Parents Weekend should never have been scheduled on Halloween. To avoid any future confusion, please ensure that your mom gets a Halloween costume next year. Or at least some botox.