LYNAH RINK—Confusion quickly broke out among Cornell Hockey Team players Saturday upon discovering they had misinterpreted Coach Mike Schafer’s directive to “play like a Cornell man” as a request to throw the Colgate game.
According to Team Captain Caleb Johnson ‘24, Schafer’s statement appeared to indicate players should exhibit a subpar performance in accordance with the “Cornell man” tradition. “Coach made it pretty clear he wanted to see typical Cornell behavior from us, which of course meant a humiliating loss against Colgate,” explained Johnson.
Recruit Benjamin Smith ‘27, who was seen intentionally placing a banana peel under his own skate during the game, apparently believed he was being a “team player.” “It’s only now that I see how that could have potentially been a problem,” admitted Smith, coping with the loss.
In the game’s aftermath, Schafer said he plans to wield metaphorical speech with more careful consideration. As for the Colgate game, he playfully acknowledged his syntactical errors. “I’m just glad I didn’t say ‘knock them dead!’” He chuckled.
However, Team Captain Roger Stevens ‘26 remains steadfast in his conviction that he was told, in no uncertain terms, to throw the game. “I mean, Coach said to break a leg,” Stevens alleged from his hospital cot.