Dyson, ILR, and Hotel Schools Join Forces To Create One Poor-People Stomping Voltron

ROSE HOUSE—After a series of dangerous public opinion polls demonstrated that Cornell’s three non-STEM colleges contributed “absolutely nothing positive to society,” the trio of management schools decided to set their differences aside to form a giant super-mech with the strength to defeat any plebes who stand in their way.

“People usually think, ‘Oh, ILR, they’re the pro-worker one,’” explained senior Carlsen Tucker ‘23, using the mech’s sword to cut a tenement building in half. “But we can fuck up the poor with the best of them. You know we send the same percentage of grads into consulting as Dyson does, right? Like five grads per year actually go into unions, the rest of us dedicate our lives to crushing their hope.”

Reports indicate that the mech was purchased with money from one Hotel major’s parents, on the condition that the mech be named after their hotel chain and that their son control the head. After discovering the head does not actually do much, the crew of the Monster Marriott began to squabble over who was causing the most damage. Ultimately, all agreed that the Hotelie could sit back while Dyson controlled the mech’s right arm and leg and ILR took the left.

“Genuinely, fuck you for making me associate with these three,” raged Dyson junior Jonathan Kirkland ‘24, hurling a public school bus into space with the left arm. “Do you know how high their admissions rates are? They’re in the teens! My father fucking founded Costco, he didn’t slave away calculating bulk discounts so I could attend school with the merely above average. But fuck it, if our interests happen to align for as long as it takes to smash an insubordinate underclass, so be it.”

After a full day causing havoc, the mech was forced to close its doors after a repeal of government subsidies for anime death machines rendered the project merely mildly profitable.

“Don’t You Evuh Fuck With Me Again,” Writes SAFC Officer to Anime Club in Anonymous Note After Treasurer Tries to Appeal $5,000 Request for Hentai on Blu-Ray

COLLEGETOWN—Mere days after Anime Club treasurer Carl Bergenson ‘23 submitted an appeal for a $5,000 hentai on Blu-Ray budget request following its rejection, Bergenson returned home to an anonymous hand-written note threatening to “Nevuh fuck with us again.”


“Past treasurers had warned me about the fearsome SAFC and told me to watch out for any threats they might send my way during budget application season,” claimed Bergenson. “I heard rumors about a past SAFC officer called ‘Green Beans’ requiring ransom payments for kidnapped treasurers and sending severed animal heads to club officers so I’m not too worried about some little note. Though I am a bit concerned about how they were able to enter my apartment and slip the note under my door.”


Upon further inspection of his apartment, Bergenson discovered his favorite anime body pillow ripped to shreds, save the head which appeared to have a bullet hole in the forehead and blood staining the remaining fabric.


When asked for comment about recent threats made against club treasurers, SAFC’s new Director of Public Relations, Giovanni “Cannoli Cream” Trattoria ‘24 responded, “We at the SAFC believe that budget requests should be like a game of craps: fair and square. You play with fair dice? We’ll honor your requests, no problem. You throw us a loaded roll? Be prepared for you and your little club to face the consequences.”


As of press time, Bergenson was seen sending a second appeal for the hentai budget request, and shortly after, returning home to three burly suit-clad men surrounding a bucket of water, an elevated bench, and a dry cloth.