WEST CAMPUS—Local arsonist Tim Martin ‘25 was flummoxed to discover a collection of women’s profiles in his Perfect Match results rather than kindling equipment this week. Though he kept an open mind throughout the process, Martin ultimately felt that his matches were not what he was looking for. “Unlike a typical match, these women did…
Every fall, a few brave freshmen reignite a generations-long trend of fire-starting in dorms. This year, Mary Donlon Hall fell victim. Such a choice calls into question the arsonist’s dedication to the hobby: If they really wanted to make a building disintegrate, why not douse some gasoline on Low Rise Seven? Arson has versatility: it…
TONI MORRISON HALL—All good things must come to an end, and so it goes that Cornell University’s lovable resident arsonist appears to have retired from their incendiary lifestyle. Despite President Martha Pollack’s hefty reward of 30 BRBs for any information, CUPD remains at a loss for their location, and the student body has resigned itself…
MARY DONLON HALL– Faced with the prospect of returning home for the holidays with nothing to show for himself except a D- in his FWS, the most downvoted post in Cornell Reddit history, and a prematurely receding hairline, Jason Wincherly ‘25 was spared four weeks of his parents’ disappointed silence when he was suddenly hit…
