“What is This Woman Doing in My Matchbox?” Cornell Arsonist Confused by Perfect Match

WEST CAMPUS—Local arsonist Tim Martin ‘25 was flummoxed to discover a collection of women’s profiles in his Perfect Match results rather than kindling equipment this week. Though he kept an open mind throughout the process, Martin ultimately felt that his matches were not what he was looking for.

“Unlike a typical match, these women did not have little red knobs that, when brushed against a matchbox, create a flame,” Martin explained. “I tried to get one of them to ignite, but she just looked a little irritated.”

Rebecca Parton ‘26, one of Martin’s matches, said the two had different relationship goals. “It’s nothing personal,” she said. “We’re just too different. For example, I like going out for dinner, and he likes crouching by Flora Rose House with dry logs of wood.“

Perfect Match isn’t the only dating site that has let Martin down. He admits that Tinder was also a disappointment: “The app doesn’t provide users any sort of flammable material, despite its suggestive name,” he groused.

Martin’s close friends say they hope Martin will open up to finding his twin flame. “He’s been burned before, but it’s time to put himself out there again,” they said.

Arson co-conspirator Peter Hale ‘25 believes Martin is willing to give love a few more tries. “I think that one day he’ll set someone’s heart on fire,” he beamed.