Valentine’s Day Perfectly Coincides with Tom and Stephanie’s 23rd Day Anniversary

ITHACA—The stars have once again aligned for young lovers Thomas “Tom” Wayman ‘22 and Stephanie French ‘22. This February 14th, in addition to Valentine’s Day, the couple will also celebrate their 23rd consecutive day together. 

“When the universe aligns like this, it just shows that Stephanie and I are meant to be,” boasted Wayman. “She’s really one of a kind. It’s so rare to find a girl who’s shy around people she doesn’t really know, but who can be really outgoing once you get to know her better.”

Although the pair have only been dating for less than a month, friends of the couple have frequently remarked about the couple’s “extreme closeness.” 

“Ever since Tom and Stephanie made it official, they’ve spent every second together. They eat every meal with each other and he sleeps over every night. They just adopted their third dog together and yesterday I saw them shopping for baby clothes,” reported French’s roommate Maeve Sweeny ‘22. 

Wayman and French have also begun planning for their 30th day anniversary, which, by yet another fortuitous coincidence, overlaps with Canada’s National Family Day.

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling through his phone.

 It was not until the episode ended that Morgan checked her phone and noticed a notification that Graven had posted an Instagram story. Hoping he had taken a cute candid of her during their night in, she was reportedly taken aback when she saw the actual story. According to sources close to the situation, that was when the night took a turn.

“Dude, we were just chilling, and then out of nowhere, she starts bombarding me with questions, saying shit like ‘Why is it such a big deal that he’s retiring?’ and asking me if I even care about how she feels,” said Graven, before clarifying “All I did was throw up a story to thank the GOAT for his years dominating the game.”

Per sources, Morgan’s initial comment was that she “just thinks it’s funny” that Graven had made yet another Instagram story commemorating NFL star Tom Brady’s retirement. 

“It’s not the first time this has come up. That kid is on thin ice,” said Morgan’s roommate Heather Jones. “For her birthday a few weeks ago, he posted a blurry photo of them from a random day at like 11:45pm, but put up three college basketball highlights earlier during her birthday dinner.”

“I’m not crazy or anything,” said Morgan through clenched teeth, “I just think it’s kinda interesting that he’s posted about some football player calling it quits three times in the past week, but that he could only make one story for our six-month anniversary! He’s not even a Patriots fan!!”

When asked for further comment, Jones strongly suggested that the alignment of the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day almost certainly be the nail in Graven’s coffin.

TA Receives Email From Freshman Signed ‘Love’

COLLEGETOWN — CS 2110 Teaching Assistant Benjamin Rosier ’17 went wild with excitement Monday when he received an email from one Samantha M. Dalton ’20 that was signed at the bottom “Love, Sam.”

According to reports from Rosier, the body text of the email was otherwise quite cryptic, with no overt romantic intent. “She was asking me mostly about object oriented programming, but I noted that she had a so-called “question” about the wording on the “slide deck,” said Rosier.

Rosier reportedly spent hours rearranging the lettering of the email, looking for other Valentine’s Day messages he may have been missing. Rosier was eager to share his findings: “As it turns out, ‘object oriented programming’ is actually an anagram for ‘going pre-med, a mint tractor, oboe,’ which I think is significant for obvious reasons.”

When asked if Rosier had any previous connection to Dalton, the TA admitted he had never spoken to her in person. “I’m actually not positive which one Samantha is– there are a lot of girls in my section. But if she’s the one I think she is, there has been very clear evidence of Morse code when she taps her pencil on the desk!” said Rosier. “I literally ciphered out the word ‘Foxtrot.’ The signs are all there!”

When asked for comment on Rosier’s developing theories, Dalton responded, “Who?”