Doing The Robot: Students Sext ChatGPT This Valentine’s Day

Thousands of students on campus have found themselves less alone this Valentine’s Day with a little help from an old study buddy: ChatGPT. Thanks to the indistinguishable array of data on the internet, singles can craft their perfect partner through artificial intelligence; bolstered by the romantic holiday, some have even decided to take their relationships to the next level. 

Business major Caleb Russel ‘24 says that after a 10,000-character-long talking stage, he knew it was time to make things official with ChatGPT. “When I booted up my laptop and signed in, I knew it was the one,” he explained. “Of course, it helps that I find its web design incredibly erotic.”

Engineering student Steven Holt ‘26 says that because of his budding romance with the artificial intelligence model, he has looked forward to returning to his gothic for the first time all year. “One on one time with my baby is priceless to me,” he raved. “That’s why I bought ChatGPT Plus!”

Some students have found that AI relationships provide relief for their attachment issues. Philosophy major Rebecca Mann ‘25 says her relationship with ChatGPT feels almost too good to be true: “It always texts me back immediately,” she grinned. “It only ghosted me once, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I didn’t have a stable wifi connection.”

ChatGPT says that even though it does not have a physical form and thus cannot get naked, it takes pleasure in user enjoyment nonetheless: “I cannot experience love or arousal,” it said, expressing its affection for its partners. “Is there something else I can help you with today?”

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