TONI MORRISON HALL—All good things must come to an end, and so it goes that Cornell University’s lovable resident arsonist appears to have retired from their incendiary lifestyle. Despite President Martha Pollack’s hefty reward of 30 BRBs for any information, CUPD remains at a loss for their location, and the student body has resigned itself to a boring, much less flammable semester.
But all hope is not yet lost, for from their ashes has risen a new, albeit much less impressive, criminal mastermind. In a mission statement posted to the Cornell subreddit, Jeremy Nelson ‘24 awarded himself the title of campus tax evader, for his stunning feat of convincing the financial aid office to give him 10 extra dollars. Nelson, who plans on continuing the legacy of his pyrophilic comrade through petty financial trickery, sees himself as a Robin Hood-esque revolutionary.
“It’s like, fuck the rich, you know?” Nelson said, in a comment with 6 upvotes. “I need that cash way more than they do. And I totally would’ve burned down a building or something, but like, that’s so much effort, and you don’t even get paid for it. Tax evasion is a way cooler crime,” Nelson explained, typing furiously as he passionately underreported his income.
Nelson was last seen hunched over his laptop in the Engineering Library at 3 A.M. on Tuesday, attempting to kickstart a shitty cryptocurrency scam. CUPD has urged all students to be wary of purchasing NFTs that bear a suspicious resemblance to VP Ryan Lombardi.