OP-ED: If The Arsonist Really Cared, They’d Burn Down Low Rise Seven

Every fall, a few brave freshmen reignite a generations-long trend of fire-starting in dorms. This year, Mary Donlon Hall fell victim. Such a choice calls into question the arsonist’s dedication to the hobby: If they really wanted to make a building disintegrate, why not douse some gasoline on Low Rise Seven?

Arson has versatility: it can be a drunken DIY activity to bond with new friends, or a cry for help. But no matter the underlying reason for starting a fire, it has the goal of turning its target to ash. To fulfill this goal, you would think that anyone with respect towards their craft would select the building with the least amount of structural integrity and value available. Alas, this arsonist is clearly still learning, as Low Rise Seven has yet to be engulfed in flames.

Low Rise Seven has been begging to be a pile of charred dust and debris for decades. Ridden with asbestos and poorly wired LED lights, the North Campus eye sore would be lit up as soon as possible by any arsonist that cared about results. With interior temperatures already at an average of 105°F, just one lukewarm match would have that thing set ablaze in no time.

There’s no denying the benefits of willy-nilly, target-blind arson: social acceptance, self-importance, etc.. But if it’s so easy to just reroute from Donlon to Low Rise Seven, why not take down the one that’s gotta go anyways?

Editor’s Note: Our attorneys have encouraged us to disclaim that this is not a call for arson nor an incitement of property destruction. It is merely a suggestion of such actions, which, if taken, should be done properly and would be really cool.