OP-ED: This Creative Writing Class Is By No Means an Excuse to Publish Your Sonic The Hedgehog Erotica

By Professor Margaret Ellipson, ENGL 2810 Creative Writing

When all of you students walk through the door each morning, I give you the opportunity to look deep into yourself. For the years I have taught this class, the students and I, together, have spent every Monday and Wednesday from 10:10 to 11:00 turning the mundane into a vivid tapestry of emotions and feelings, rich with creativity and life. Those who passed through this course would often bring out a side of themselves they never knew existed. It was truly a pleasure to teach such an unparalleled vessel for expression on a campus that is far too ready to stifle it. 

However, after reading one student’s description of Knuckles’s “panting appreciation” of Sonic’s “prickly, wet, wriggly little hedgehog toes,” perhaps it is best if that creativity is extinguished altogether. 

No one should ever have to read, much less grade, seventeen pages of amateur literary pornography featuring the most debased sexual cravings of anthropomorphic hedgehogs. Let alone being an insult to the creators of these iconic characters, it is downright offensive to my eyes to have to pore over how Sonic’s “considerable circumference” penetrated Doctor Eggman’s “mechanical defenses” and revealed his “supple, plump buttocks.” Why on earth would I ever need to know about what Doctor Eggman’s ass looks like? How are the things these students are describing even physically possible? Oh God, the things they did to Tails…

And just because the content of these “writings” is certainly irredeemable, do not presume that the actual writing is any better. The number of run-on sentences, egregiously unfunny puns —I’m pretty sure I blacked out after reading someone say “Hey, quit hedge-hogging the lube!”— and random expository cuts are downright nauseating. 

Let me make myself perfectly clear; this Creative Writing class is by no means a pass to give your sophomoric, hormone-addled smut a wider audience. Keep this disgusting pass at “fan fiction”, if you can even call it that, where it belongs, on Newgrounds forums and the comment section of theorycrafting Youtube videos.

Humanities Not Dead, Just Sleeping

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Despite the rumors that the humanities are dead, faculty and students at Cornell firmly believe that they are, in fact, only sleeping.

“It’s only natural that the humanities would need a break,” explained Art History Professor Nick Chen. “They mattered for thousands of years, and a discipline can’t go on mattering like that forever. At some point they just need a deep, dreamless rest. But not in a dead way.”

Humanities majors across the College of Arts and Sciences are insistent that not only will disciplines like History soon have a Renaissance, but also that fellow students will eventually stop making fun of their majors.

“In my philosophy class, we’ve discussed philosophies of death from Plato to Heidegger,” said Aiden Woodcomb ‘19. “Death is a truth of life. It’s absolutely undeniable; you cannot deny when a thing is dead. But anyway, yeah, the humanities are totally fine and I’ll definitely find a job soon.”

Although students passionately maintain that the humanities are only sleeping, Foundations of Modern Literature hasn’t had class in two weeks and it seems pretty certain that the professor is actually dead.

New Blue Lights on Campus Actually Two Week Art Installation

Michael Wenye Li / Cornell Daily Sun

CENTRAL CAMPUS—The new Blue Light call boxes recently installed on campus are an architecture professor’s temporary art exhibit and will not connect users to the police, the University clarified Wednesday.

“I’ve decided to do my part to make Cornell more secure by creating an installation that forces viewers to ponder the true meaning of campus safety,” said Professor Tom Portman of his installation, which received funding from both the architecture department and the CUPD. “I believe this piece speaks to the core of humanity by evoking extreme emotions such as fear and panic, especially when someone’s calls don’t go through.”

“I don’t see the problem with these new Blue Lights. I always thought they were real pretty,” said CUPD officer Christian Markey. “Being honest, I didn’t even know they were for safety until you told me.”

Responding to complaints that the installation may be confusing, Police Chief Kathy Zoner said that students in danger should just suck it up and use their new app.

Much-Needed Extra Seating Almost Added To Klarman Atrium

ARTS QUAD — After being dumped on the Arts Quad and deemed as “close enough,” a large pile of much-needed seating for Klarman Hall almost made it to its destination this week.

“We got really close,” said Facilities Manager James Alwin. “I mean, a few hundred more yards and we would’ve made it into Klarman and finally could fill up the atrium with chairs. I feel like that’s commendable.”

This effort was the latest in providing Klarman Hall with enough places to sit down, with notable past attempts ending with chairs as far as Cayuga Lake. An occasional bench has made its way to the hall.

“Everyone is used to sitting on the floor, but it’s nice to know that the requisite number of chairs for this large empty room is getting closer and closer” said Jackie Michula ‘17, adding “My lower extremities fell asleep hours ago.”

Facilities has reported that they are aware of the problem, and until a solution can be found they suggest students take chairs from the pile outside.

Carly Rae Jepsen Performing at Cornell Maybe

BARTON HALL – The Cornell Concert Commission is excited to announce that Canadian pop-singer and viral sensation Carly Rae Jepsen is is scheduled to perform at Barton Hall, maybe.

“We’re truly delighted to have Carly Rae performing at our own Barton Hall,” stated CCC executive director Ryan Enderby, “Be sure to grab your tickets early because it’s going to be an absolute blast, possibly. We’re still unsure, this is a little crazy.”

Carly Rae Jepsen skyrocketed onto the pop scene in 2012, and fans can expect to hear all of the great new hits from her latest album Emotion, perhaps. “We’re such huge Carly fans and we’d love to see her perform, but hey, if not then it’s like whatever,” exclaimed Sophomores Emma Pollusky and Cynthia Herrera.

At press time, sources report that, though she has only been on campus for a few hours setting up, she definitely really really likes us.

Modest Mouse Receives Acclaim After Only ‘Float On’ Played Repeatedly

BARTON HALL – Audience members of yesterday’s Modest Mouse show say it was one of the best performances they had ever seen, as the band played their hit song “Float On” for the entire two hour concert.

“I’m a massive fan of Modest Mouse. I’ve probably played ‘Float On’ about one-hundred times on my ipod” said concert goer Dave Hubsher. “It’s amazing to hear them play [‘Float On’] live.”

For the setlist the band opened the show with a powerful performance of “Float On,” then played “Float On” repeatedly for two hours, then closed with “Float On.” The band then took short break, and played “Float On” three times for the encore.

“That concert was insane! I’ve never been so pumped in my entire life. After the show ended I needed to hear more. So I listened to “Float On” at home for another five hours,” said, Rebecca Robbins.

The band’s new album, “‘Float On’ The Anthology” can now be purchased on Amazon.

Shutdown Coverage: College landmarks Ezra Cornell And A.D. White Statues Closed

The administration has effectively closed the arts quad statues of Ezra Cornell and A.D. White, citing a lack of proper resources available to secure and maintain these historic monuments. Students are prohibited from looking at, sitting near and taking pictures of the statutes, and are discouraged from “enjoying them from a safe distance” according to campus sculpture curator Lisa Doblin. “Students are still allowed to walk across the arts quad with their head down, or they can take a different route through campus if they feel they are unable to comply with these restrictions.”

Doblin added,“That statue by Statler with the dick is still open though. So there’s that.”

Shutdown Coverage: IPod and Guitar Amp Replace Clock Tower Bells

Due to nonessential labor and upkeep costs, Cornell’s famous chimes have been removed from the clock tower. President Skorton refuses to let the campus go without music, however, telling CUNooz: “I asked my 16-year-old nephew Colin if he had anything to play music on. He said I could use his old ‘amp’, as he just bought a new one for his band with his birthday money.”

Skorton’s secretary, Allie Goldstein, has been assigned the task of compiling a playlist of acceptable music. When questioned, Goldstein promised that the music on deck for play will not deviate from the tunes the Cornell community has grown to love: “I have a couple different bell noises from Youtube to play on the hour. Of course, the main focus has been on getting pop songs from 6 months ago and royalty-free Christmas songs.”

Skorton advises students and faculty to keep an ear out for the change later this week.

Freshman’s Generic Photo of Campus Becomes an Instagram Sensation

Last Thursday, Biology Freshman Alyson Boyer took a photo of the arts quad from the Seventh Floor Stacks in Olin Library with her iPhone, then uploaded the picture to Instagram. The picture highlights the interweaving paths and overlooking architecture that makes the quad famous.

Almost immediately, the photo began to garner hundreds and then thousands of likes. By the end of the day, screenshots of the Instagram photo were taken and posted to other social media websites such as Twitter, Facebook, and Reddit, where its artistic and aesthetic superiority were praised.

As one Instagram user commented, “The photographer must be one of the most talented artists, if not the most talented artist, that has ever existed. Her deliberate use of the out-of-focus shot, off-balance positioning, and the intentional white spot from leaving the flash on next to the window is truly remarkable. It clearly speaks to the erupting social climate from increasing income inequality in this country.”

Her photo has been the subject of discussion in hundreds of news forums and talk shows. Even President Obama seems to be touched by the photo as he tweeted, “Wow Aly that photo is awesome. It makes me think a lot about things and stuff. If you’re looking for a summer internship, give me a call #POTUS.”

When asked about her claim to Internet fame, Boyer responded, “I always knew something like this would happen. Instagram lets me express myself visually and it was only a matter of time that other people realized how amazing I am.”

Boyer says that she plans to continue her photography. “For my next project, I’m still deciding on whether I should Instagram a photo of the gorges from Thurston Bridge, a photo of Libe Slope looking down at Baker Flagpole, or even taking a picture of the Clocktower from Ho Plaza….Oh and I’m really excited for Spring so I can take really close-up shots of the cherry blossoms.”

Tri-Greek Council To Create Educational Musical To Highlight Dangers Of Hazing

In light of several high profile hazing incidents, leaders of Pan-Hel, IFC and MLGC organizations have moved to educate new members through a unique and creative forum: a musical. The musical will include both original and classic songs in order educate new members on the dangers of hazing at Cornell.

Greg Michaelson, the associate creative director of the Tri-Greek council, told Cornell Nooz that the show would include modern twists on old classics as well as several original numbers. Greg exclaimed “I’m sure songs like Who Turned off the Lights and Don’t put your Finger in there are really going to resonate with new members.” He told us he was especially excited for the dance choreography in the song Take Eric to the Hospital.

The musical, which is expected to cost under $2000 dollars, has been touted by the administration as a “great, educational and fun way to prevent new members from engaging in sexually humiliating and potential life threatening hazing activities”.