By Professor Margaret Ellipson, ENGL 2810 Creative Writing
When all of you students walk through the door each morning, I give you the opportunity to look deep into yourself. For the years I have taught this class, the students and I, together, have spent every Monday and Wednesday from 10:10 to 11:00 turning the mundane into a vivid tapestry of emotions and feelings, rich with creativity and life. Those who passed through this course would often bring out a side of themselves they never knew existed. It was truly a pleasure to teach such an unparalleled vessel for expression on a campus that is far too ready to stifle it.
However, after reading one student’s description of Knuckles’s “panting appreciation” of Sonic’s “prickly, wet, wriggly little hedgehog toes,” perhaps it is best if that creativity is extinguished altogether.
No one should ever have to read, much less grade, seventeen pages of amateur literary pornography featuring the most debased sexual cravings of anthropomorphic hedgehogs. Let alone being an insult to the creators of these iconic characters, it is downright offensive to my eyes to have to pore over how Sonic’s “considerable circumference” penetrated Doctor Eggman’s “mechanical defenses” and revealed his “supple, plump buttocks.” Why on earth would I ever need to know about what Doctor Eggman’s ass looks like? How are the things these students are describing even physically possible? Oh God, the things they did to Tails…
And just because the content of these “writings” is certainly irredeemable, do not presume that the actual writing is any better. The number of run-on sentences, egregiously unfunny puns —I’m pretty sure I blacked out after reading someone say “Hey, quit hedge-hogging the lube!”— and random expository cuts are downright nauseating.
Let me make myself perfectly clear; this Creative Writing class is by no means a pass to give your sophomoric, hormone-addled smut a wider audience. Keep this disgusting pass at “fan fiction”, if you can even call it that, where it belongs, on Newgrounds forums and the comment section of theorycrafting Youtube videos.