Nooz Staff February 17, 2020

Daily Sun Annual Love Survey Finds Kevin Having 100% of Sex on Campus

DONLON HALL—With every Valentine’s day comes the Cornell Daily Sun’s Annual Love survey, profiling the love lives of thousands of students on campus. While this year’s survey showed a net uptick in sexual encounters on campus, it also revealed that all sex on campus is being had by one student: Kevin Jameson ’23.

Whether it’s participating in the sex act directly, or watching as instructed from a nearby closet, Kevin has taken his new role as the sole sex-haver on campus very seriously.

“Yeah, I have a lot of sex. It’s not a big deal or anything. What, do you not have sex? That’s cool too I guess, but me? I like having lots of sex,” said Jameson when asked about his involment in every single sex act on campus.

Other students have expressed concerns about Jameson’s behavior. “Boy I wish I could have some sex myself, but that Kevin is always hogging it. It’s like… save some for the rest of us!” said Cindy Richardson ‘20. “No seriously; I have not been intimate with someone in over a year. Kevin please stop having so much sex.”

At press time, Jameson was reportedly seen on the Arts Quad, where every single student avoided eye contact with him.

 

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