DONLON HALL—With every Valentine’s day comes the Cornell Daily Sun’s Annual Love survey, profiling the love lives of thousands of students on campus. While this year’s survey showed a net uptick in sexual encounters on campus, it also revealed that all sex on campus is being had by one student: Kevin Jameson ’23.
Whether it’s participating in the sex act directly, or watching as instructed from a nearby closet, Kevin has taken his new role as the sole sex-haver on campus very seriously.
“Yeah, I have a lot of sex. It’s not a big deal or anything. What, do you not have sex? That’s cool too I guess, but me? I like having lots of sex,” said Jameson when asked about his involment in every single sex act on campus.
Other students have expressed concerns about Jameson’s behavior. “Boy I wish I could have some sex myself, but that Kevin is always hogging it. It’s like… save some for the rest of us!” said Cindy Richardson ‘20. “No seriously; I have not been intimate with someone in over a year. Kevin please stop having so much sex.”
At press time, Jameson was reportedly seen on the Arts Quad, where every single student avoided eye contact with him.