STEWART AVE—Soon to graduate Bryan Borren ‘22 experienced a matriculation meltdown yesterday while attempting to construct a new Instagram bio. After using “Cornell ‘22” for the last four and a half years, Borren found himself entirely unable to find a new 150 character combination that properly summarized his being.
“I’m totally out of options,” explained an exasperated Borren, eyes sunken and wild. “I played around with a bear emoji and a red circle, or maybe a corn emoji with an ‘L’ at the end, as a subtle nod to my formative time here, but they just won’t do. People might think I’m some sort of animal lover, or god forbid, a farmer. Those just aren’t my interests. Come to think of it, I don’t really have any interests.”
As Borren’s quest for self identity continued to fail, his mental state deteriorated, sending him on a failed soul searching journey across campus. Borren was reportedly seen stumbling across Ho Plaza, mumbling vague witticisms and song lyrics that he thought other people liked. Borren was next observed interrogating the Arts Quad statue of Ezra Cornell, shouting questions such as “Who am I?” and “How do you spell entrepreneur?”.
“I really feel for the guy,” expressed Borren’s roommate, Ancel Erry ‘23. “I haven’t seen him wear a piece of clothing that doesn’t say ‘Cornell’ on it all semester. This place is his whole deal and I don’t think he’s ever thought this far ahead. Every single time he answers the phone he says “Go for Big Red Bryan!”.
As of press time, Borren was reportedly on the verge of yet another devastating loss of ego after realizing that saying “I did my undergrad at Cornell” would only be worth about five minutes of small talk with his future financial advising coworkers, leaving him with no other topics of conversation.
After weeks of tumultuous, passionate and near-violent discussion, the Executive Board of Cornell’s Student Macrame Initiative has failed to reach consensus on the color of official club merchandise.
“It would be absolutely unethical to allow any merch to be ordered in this shade of red,” Vice President of Outreach James London explained. “First of all, it’s extremely tacky. What is this tone, Crimson? Scarlet? Rose? We’d be much better off with a toned down shade like Sangria or Burgundy. I will not let our esteemed macrame society be tarnished by such frippery and frivolity, even if I have to take the entire process down with me.”
During the second meeting of the semester, different merch factions attempted to compromise by forming a coalition to push the sweatshirt through voting. However, other members were able to block this action due to a technicality in the club’s constitution allowing for a “merch filibuster” on the grounds that the merch designs contained improper color schemes.
“I was really optimistic going into last week’s all-hands meeting,” club Treasurer Jordan Manley ‘25 remembered. “It’s the only job I have this semester, so I had lots of really creative designs and options for everyone. I’m talking club T-shirts, bucket hats, sweatshirts, and a really nice bomber jacket that we could get for just $225 per member. Unfortunately, I think the color thing really put people off, and now there’s a turf war between the Scarlet Squad and the Burgundy Boys that I’m caught in the middle of.”
As of writing, the Macrame Initiative was able to place an order of Sangria-shade sweatshirts, only to be blocked by Cornell’s Campus Activities Office for violating the university’s copyright on “Carnelian Red.”
FRIEDMAN STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING CENTER—Following the NCAA’s cancellation of spring athletes’ season, Cornell student-athletes were giddy to tell their fans and friends that this year was different, and they would have won it all.
“This season was definitely the one. Our coach purchased us these new clubs with carbon fiber which totally will take our driving to the next level,” said men’s golf captain Max Goodwin ’20, who jumped at the chance to talk about how his breakout season was prematurely ended. “Yeah I was shooting the same score as last year in practice, but I know I was about to figure it all out.”
“I can’t believe my season was cut short,” complained Julia Fisher ’21. “Last season my chronic toe twitch devastating our season, but now that I’m better I’m confident I’d have lead us to the championship.”
As of press time, both Goodwin and Fisher have advised their friends and families not to open ESPN’s preseason power rankings.
Philadelphia, PA—Following President Martha Pollack’s decision to terminate Cornell’s licensing relationship with Nike, Big Red superfan Matthew Walker ’19 sadly returned his recently purchased Nike flyknit shoes.
“It’s hard to give up the freshest, most form-fitting shoes I’ve ever worn,” Walker admitted dejectedly, “but as a Cornellian through and through, I must do my part to stand in solidarity with my school, even if that means great sacrifice.”
Continuing his effort to embody the values of his university, the ultra-devoted student burned more than 500 dollars’ worth of Cornell Nike gear from his closet, including the beloved quarter zip he wore to every hockey game last year.
“It must be done,” said Walker as he sorrowfully but unhesitatingly downloaded his return label on http://Nike.com. “Cornell has spoken against global injustices and stood up for fair labor by cutting ties, so it’s time for me to terminate my relationship with the brand too.”
Walker was seen distressfully clutching his remaining Cornell apparel as the UPS truck drove away with his prized sneakers, comforted only by his commitment to his school’s commitment.
LAKE PLACID, NY – Despite a rough three periods so far for the Cornell Men’s Hockey team in tonight’s ECAC Hockey Final against Harvard, some students have remained optimistic of a victorious outcome, as the Big Red are only down by three goals entering the fourth quarter.
“Three points may seem like a lot, but I know our team has it in them to come back out here after this incredibly long intermission and send this game to overtime!” said Liana Murray ’20, attending her first ever hockey game with a few other friends who were new to the sport.
“Most of the crowd may not be sticking around – in fact, it seems like nearly everybody is leaving – but they’re going to be sorry when they miss out on this historic comeback. And now the zambonis are coming out – when does the hockey start again?”
Reports indicate that some Harvard players were seen prematurely celebrating their championship and were even prematurely awarded a trophy.
CLEVELAND – After over a hundred years of Cornellians never hearing about their alma mater on sports network programming, Fox color commentator John Smoltz thrilled students and alumni everywhere Wednesday night by finally mentioning Cornell in a World Series broadcast.
“When Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the first Supreme Court justice to preside over a gay marriage in 2013, I thought maybe Cornell would be mentioned in the seven-game championship battle between the Boston Red Sox and the St. Louis Cardinals,” said Sully Nelson ‘92, who said that he had come to expect baseball’s Fall Classic to ignore the Ivy League’s only land-grant university.
“My grandfather spent his entire life listening to each World Series to no avail, hoping to hear a brief mention of the place he spent the best four years of his life. This one’s for you, Gramps.”
Following the 2:00 a.m. celebrations of the historic namedrop, CUPD estimates it will take three days to fully clean Ho Plaza.