CLARA DICKSON HALL—After having met so many people since arriving at college, Michelle Taylor ‘22 is reportedly dying to return to her hometown this Fall Break and tell her parents all about the new college friends who won’t be a part of her life in two months’ time.
“I’m so excited to tell them about exploring AppleFest with Jacob and Matthew, and that time I stayed up with Katherine and Julia, just talking all night,” said Taylor, who will no longer be spending time with any of those people by the next time she returns home. Taylor also said she also can’t wait wait to show her parents how her new friends already have an active GroupMe, which after January will only be used by Jacob, trying to sell tickets to his a cappella concert.
“It’s amazing how fast we’ve bonded!” Taylor plans to tell her parents, who will be so naive as to ask her for updates on those same friends during Thanksgiving dinner.
While Taylor is expected to lose touch with all of her current friends before next semester, she will still run into the boy she hooked up with once with during o-week every fucking day for the next four years.
BINGHAMTON, NY— This Thanksgiving break, Gwen Swanson ’20 basked in praise from relatives gathered together for Thanksgiving, trying to ignore the fact that she is failing CS 1110: Introduction to Computing Using Python.
“Our little Gwenny is always so brilliant and hardworking and a true renaissance woman,” said Swanson’s great-aunt Bertha. “Where else are you going to find a young computer science scholar who is also interested in social justice? And a girl, at that!”
The accomplished student half-smiled and mumbled something humble through misogynistic compliments while shooting nervous glances at her unopened backpack, which held petition papers to change her major to Hotel Administration.
“Yeah school’s hard, so it’s nice to be complimented for my effort,” shrugged Swanson, who has failed her prelims, never goes to lectures or club meetings, and spends all day tagging her friends in memes on Facebook.
Sources confirmed that when it was her turn to announce at the dinner table what she was thankful for, Swanson expressed gratitude for her parent’s tuition dollars and insisted that they weren’t going to waste.
Thanksgiving Break is often a stressful time full of personality clashes and ideological disagreements. Here are CU Nooz’s tips for surviving!
- Offer to breed, raise, slaughter, clean, and roast the turkey to avoid spending time with distant cousins.
- Communicate only through memes to show your great aunt that your thoughts and feelings are in fact relatable.
- Volunteer to stand directly in front of the television so that the alpha males of your family can’t butt heads over sports.
- When your grandma asks you about your love life, remind her that Mary was a virgin.
- Remember to avoid the upstairs bathroom, because that’s where your uncle goes to poop.
- To help ease small talk, separate the group into three tables: adults, kids, and racists.
- Repeatedly stare at backpack full of textbooks you optimistically lugged home but realistically will never open.
- Write down versions of “It’s delicious!” and “Best I’ve ever had!” on the back of your hand to prepare for your mother’s constant need of validation for her cooking.
- If things get quiet, repeatedly whisper “Roy Moore” until the things liven up. Then shout “Ben Carson” until everyone calms down again.
- Remind your successful relatives that unless you find a job, you’ll be moving in with them, so they better hustle on the whole networking thing.
- If things get stressful, just remember that after this break you have one week until finals begin, so you ain’t seen nothin yet. Perspective is key.
ARLINGTON, VA—Due to his extensive experience in organizing social events as a member of a fraternity, Winston Jepson ’19 has been trusted to plan an America-themed family mixer this July 4th.
“People wearing red, white, and blue enter no questions asked, but if you’re lame then at least bring alcohol for the pregame,” Jepson’s memo to his parents, step-parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and second cousins read. “Also, first 20 to arrive get jello shots.”
More than 40 members of the clan will be attending the biggest darty of the year, which has traditionally included barbecue and board games, but Jepson expects his relatives to get a little rowdy this time around. For risk management, the token frat star has appointed his disapproving killjoy of an aunt as sober monitor.
“No rager is complete without a keg and a wholesome game of Beer Olympics,” said the family social chair, excitedly imagining his dad doing a kegstand. “Yo this is going to be lit.”
Jepson has already rearranged extra Keystone boxes into a throne in the middle of his living room, so that his grandmother-who-needs-to-sit-down can also join in the festivities.