November 27, 2017

Student Praised by Relatives at Thanksgiving Secretly Failing Class

BINGHAMTON, NY— This Thanksgiving break, Gwen Swanson ’20 basked in praise from relatives gathered together for Thanksgiving, trying to ignore the fact that she is failing CS 1110: Introduction to Computing Using Python.

“Our little Gwenny is always so brilliant and hardworking and a true renaissance woman,” said Swanson’s great-aunt Bertha. “Where else are you going to find a young computer science scholar who is also interested in social justice? And a girl, at that!”

The accomplished student half-smiled and mumbled something humble through misogynistic compliments while shooting nervous glances at her unopened backpack, which held petition papers to change her major to Hotel Administration.

“Yeah school’s hard, so it’s nice to be complimented for my effort,” shrugged Swanson, who has failed her prelims, never goes to lectures or club meetings, and spends all day tagging her friends in memes on Facebook.

Sources confirmed that when it was her turn to announce at the dinner table what she was thankful for, Swanson expressed gratitude for her parent’s tuition dollars and insisted that they weren’t going to waste.

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