OP-ED: My Favorite Part of Thanksgiving? When We Fill The Turkey’s Turkussy With Other Foods, Of Course!

NEW JERSEY — Thanksgiving holiday traditions are a warm way to kick off the season for families across the nation, and I personally cannot wait for this week’s festivities. From watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade to watching some football between helpings, families everywhere have their own little traditions that bring them together and help remind all of us what the season is truly about. Whatever traditions your family may have, I’m sure you’re looking forward to them as much as I’m looking forward to my favorite! Every year, around 8 am, my mother wakes me up and tells me it’s time to start helping her prepare the food for our family’s dinner. I spend hours peeling potatoes, sautéing green beans, and cutting carrots, all while eagerly anticipating the highlight of my day: filling the hole at the back of the raw turkey with as much food as I can fit in there.

I remember my first time seeing the stuffing of a bird. I was 11 and my uncle had decided that it would be funny to get our family a turducken instead of a turkey that year. I watched with awe as he removed a chicken from the fridge, spread its legs before tying them together, and then filled it with stuffing. I was astonished when he then brought out a duck, rubbed some butter around its hole, and then jammed the whole chicken into its duckussy. Just when I thought the roller coaster of fowl behavior  had come to end, he blew my mind. Slamming a turkey on its back, my uncle shoved the ducken right into the turkey, holding a wing down and not breaking eye contact. It was at that moment, I realized I wanted to be a bird stuffer. 

Cramming that tight little turkussy full of stuffing is always the highlight of my Thanksgiving, especially when it seems like it can’t take another spoonful. That’s when I add the cranberry sauce, letting it seep into the walls of the turkey and get all mixed in there with the stuffing. I keep going until the cranberry sauce slowly oozes out, which let’s me know to tell my mom it’s time for the turkey to go into the oven. As the bird cooks, I can’t help but keep thinking about just how deeply I was able to stuff that lean, dry fowl with all of the fixings and how the marinated turkey will be nice and moist when it’s ready for us. 

It isn’t until that golden brown turkey is sitting out, completely unattended while everyone else is setting the table, that I truly get to have my fun though. I creep up behind my little snack and admire my handiwork. After I finish my superficial admiration, I begin my physical appreciation once again. I take a spoon and thrust it in and out of the turkussy, mashing around the stuffing like a caveman discovering pudding. Some of it gets on my hand, but I’m not fancy, so I don’t look away from the turkey as I bring the spoon to my lips and get a mouthful of that hot stuffing. I lick the drippings off my hand and take one last look at the bird, smiling because I know it’s our little secret.

Student Returning Home For Thanksgiving Horrified by Unmistakable Signs That Parents Have Managed to Rekindle Long-Dead Sex Life in Their Absence

BLOOMFIELD, NJ — As students flocked to their hometowns in anticipation of Thanksgiving break, freshman Noah Yearwood was met with the horrifying discovery that his father is once again rearranging his mother’s guts. 

“Ever since I got home, my dad has been walking into the kitchen whistling every morning. I don’t normally think anything of it until mom comes out of their bedroom giggling as she brushes out her tousled hair and lifts up her shirt to wipe whipped cream remnants off her lower belly.” Yearwood complained. “I even overheard her on the phone telling my aunt in graphic detail about the time my dad stuck all ten fingers up her vagina all while going down on her. That’s the same hand he uses to fist our Thanksgiving turkey every year. It’s so disgusting” Yearwood said; yet unaware that he was conceived during a rush of animalistic passion in a Wendy’s bathroom. 

Yearwood’s suspicion was also piqued by orders for lube and a nine-inch strap-on made on the family’s joint Amazon account. Noah’s suspicions were confirmed on Saturday, after spending the entire night lying awake in his childhood bedroom, staring at the glow in the dark stars and paralyzed with horror as he heard violent thumping and cries of “oh yes, fill that hole too Marshall!” emanating from his parents’ bedroom. 

“I really thought our sex life had wheezed its last, dying breaths around the 2008 subprime mortgage crisis. I chalked it up to Sherry hitting menopause, but turns out the only thing killing the mood was our son. With that cockblock out of the house, we’ve just been fucking like rabbits!” Marshall Yearwood revealed. “I miss our Noah, but being an empty nester has given me time to take up some wonderful new hobbies, like herb gardening and hardcore BDSM” Sherry added. 

As of press time, Yearwood has found himself spiraling into self-doubt after realizing that his parents are the most popular members of Bloomfield’s burgeoning swinger scene, while he is barely pulling a C in Human Bonding and hasn’t felt the touch of a woman, well, ever. 

Freshman Can’t Wait to Tell Parents About New Friends She’ll Drop Before Thanksgiving

CLARA DICKSON HALL—After having met so many people since arriving at college, Michelle Taylor ‘22 is reportedly dying to return to her hometown this Fall Break and tell her parents all about the new college friends who won’t be a part of her life in two months’ time.

“I’m so excited to tell them about exploring AppleFest with Jacob and Matthew, and that time I stayed up with Katherine and Julia, just talking all night,” said Taylor, who will no longer be spending time with any of those people by the next time she returns home. Taylor also said she also can’t wait wait to show her parents how her new friends already have an active GroupMe, which after January will only be used by Jacob, trying to sell tickets to his a cappella concert.

“It’s amazing how fast we’ve bonded!” Taylor plans to tell her parents, who will be so naive as to ask her for updates on those same friends during Thanksgiving dinner.

While Taylor is expected to lose touch with all of her current friends before next semester, she will still run into the boy she hooked up with once with during o-week every fucking day for the next four years.

Student Praised by Relatives at Thanksgiving Secretly Failing Class

BINGHAMTON, NY— This Thanksgiving break, Gwen Swanson ’20 basked in praise from relatives gathered together for Thanksgiving, trying to ignore the fact that she is failing CS 1110: Introduction to Computing Using Python.

“Our little Gwenny is always so brilliant and hardworking and a true renaissance woman,” said Swanson’s great-aunt Bertha. “Where else are you going to find a young computer science scholar who is also interested in social justice? And a girl, at that!”

The accomplished student half-smiled and mumbled something humble through misogynistic compliments while shooting nervous glances at her unopened backpack, which held petition papers to change her major to Hotel Administration.

“Yeah school’s hard, so it’s nice to be complimented for my effort,” shrugged Swanson, who has failed her prelims, never goes to lectures or club meetings, and spends all day tagging her friends in memes on Facebook.

Sources confirmed that when it was her turn to announce at the dinner table what she was thankful for, Swanson expressed gratitude for her parent’s tuition dollars and insisted that they weren’t going to waste.