KENNEDY HALL—Professor Ray Farrow’s 11:00am biology lecture failed to conclude on time today despite a seemingly biblical intervention of frogs and locusts enveloping the auditorium. While the entrapped students pleaded with the course instructor to stop the class at the scheduled time, Professor Farrow could not be dissuaded by the barrage of amphibian interruptions. “He…
MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class. “I really…
In a targeted attack to ruin my life, absolute shitstain Roger Wilhelm ‘22 continues to be successful at literally everything, while I can’t even tie my shoelaces without them coming undone five steps later. Roger recently announced his internship at Doctors Without Borders, which he only got because his roommate’s aunt’s tennis partner-in-law worked there…
BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C. “I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Hale to himself, whose grade…
URIS HALL—This morning, during the 10:10 lecture for Intro to Cognitive Science, a single student sacrificed his class grade for a piece of pure comedy gold: Jamie McCannon ‘19 answered C on a True/False iClicker question, bringing the lecture hall to its knees in laughs. “I never thought there could be so much beauty in…
TOMPKINS COUNTY, NY — After approving the grades that would lead 58 students to tears and 17 to change their majors, asshole math professor Nancy Druckman began piping royal icing between walls of delectable cookies to assemble her adorable holiday gingerbread house. Professor Druckman, commonly referred to as “the devil in flesh”, constructed baby Jesus…
