OLIN LIBRARY—At the end of his stressful prelim season, Mark Velazquez ‘24 was finally able to snag one of the first floor desks at Olin to get some dreaded work done, only to make a bittersweet observation of the womb-like warmth left by the seat’s prior occupant.
“I remembered what it was like to be a zygote… it was wonderful yet tormenting,” said Velazquez, “I have been extremely stressed out recently, so when my bone-cold buttocks hit the sweet solace of this wooden seat, I reflected on the last time I was truly at peace. I pushed myself to go back into this blissfully fetal mental state, and it has been truly eye opening for me.”
“All thanks to this slightly slick, toasty warmth, I began to feel relaxed. It was as if this maternal figure I was cozied into was whispering ‘It’s okay, you’ll be okay… Come to mommy…’ right in my ear. And at that moment, I believed her. I wanted to be comforted. I wanted to be reassured. I don’t want to finish my problem set, I want to retreat from the external world and reattach my umbilical cord.” Velazquez sidled deeper into the creaking chair, experiencing a primal yearning for the warm amniotic fluid he had previously spent a euphoric nine months in.
“But this is just a fantasy. I am in a library seat that has been heated up by a stranger’s ass. I was left longing for my home, the uterus, with a harsh pain in my heart. What’s the point? Does this warmth exist just to taunt me? To remind me that I will never be able to experience the membranous angelic existence within a mother ever again? Or is it to punish me? Dear God, what have done to warrant such a torture? I am no longer a fruit of a womb, but a rotten moldy vegetable left to die in the garbage. I couldn’t stand it, I had to escape this forsaken hell called Olin.”
Velazquez finished with a plea: “I am left wistful by this experience, and urge all fetuses to appreciate your time in peace while you can and to stay in there as long as possible. I would also like to politely ask my professor for an extension.”
OLIN LIBRARY — Librarians at Olin Library are reportedly still enthusiastic about getting students to use their library despite current construction actively destroying their workplace..
“We’re really excited about the new renovations going on here,” said librarian Dana Holcomb ‘89, gesturing to the crushed wreck that once was the circulation desk. “Unfortunately, that does mean you may have to deal with some noise here and there and of course the occasional truck backing through a wall. But this is hardly prohibitive—it’s really easy to dodge a rogue front end loader if you notice it far enough in advance.”
Although some have expressed concern about the disturbances caused by the updates to the library’s terrace, the staff maintains that Olin is still a great space for students to collaborate and study. “It’s still the same old Olin!” Holcomb shouted, straining to be heard above the jackhammer smashing a hole through the floor near the entrance.
Holcomb did acknowledge that some students find the agitated environment offputting. “Some students require some coaxing, but—oh shit, look out!” she yelled as a chunk of the ceiling crushed through the ground immediately next to her. After confirming that the floor would not collapse, Holcomb began to chuckle.
“It keeps you on your toes,” she said. “Who knew being a librarian would be such good exercise?”
At press time, Holcomb was seen fishing a Libe Cafe barista out of a recently-opened sinkhole.
COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.”
Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to become “his tomb,” and that if the slightest thing went wrong it would almost certainly lead to his death. “I’m just amazed you found a place so close for so cheap!” responded Clare Smith, ’18.
Evans recalls the landlord when he toured the apartment as saying, “Oh yeah only one exit, and no fire escape despite being on the third floor, but for this price this close, it’s a steal.”
At press time, Evans commented: “My buddy Matt is paying like eight hundred for a place on, like, State Street, so the constant looming threat of death by inferno is worth it in the long run.”
OLIN LIBRARY – Yesterday Mann Library, usually found on the Agricultural Quad, was seen stealing a laptop from Olin Library, further solidifying the ongoing rivalry between two of the largest libraries on campus.
“We received a report at approximately 5:35 p.m. on Tuesday of the entirety of Mann Library fleeing Olin Library with a laptop in hand, immediately followed by Mann Library going into McGraw clock tower as a means of evasion,” explained a Cornell Police report, which later said the rogue out-of-place library was escorted from the relatively undersized and partially demolished clock tower at approximately 5:55 p.m.
“We have since returned the stolen laptop back to Olin, though most of it is currently in shambles, and will reprimand Mann accordingly after reminding the library that it already has plenty of laptops of its own that it frequently loans to students.”
Mann Library was recorded as saying the theft was prompted by Olin “making fun of my distance from most buildings” and saying insults like “nobody but CALS knows about you.”