ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department.
“Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but nothing will ever give me the sexual supercharge of hearing his simultaneously raspy and wet voice, like a naked man belly crawling through damp grass or an old woman sucking sand through a straw. I tried listening to recordings of my grandpa on his deathbed, but he kept talking about shit like being ‘proud of me’ instead of incisive commentary on American consumerism. What a waste.”
With no end to the Spotify stalemate in sight, the students have been forced to find other ways to announce to the world that they have deeply boring daddy issues, such as wearing band t-shirts, not shampooing their shoulder-length hair, and insisting that vinyl sounds “so much warmer.”
“Without basing my personality entirely around the sense of superiority that comes from getting a rock hard boner from a vocal style best described as ‘clammy,’ I don’t know what to do with myself,” complained Lancaster. “My dad and I had a conversation that wasn’t about music for the first time in years, and it turns out we have nothing in common! If I can’t offload my feelings onto a vaguely sad four-chord guitar song right now, I might have to genuinely process my emotions about this.”
In response to suggestions that they purchase Neil Young’s discography, thus monetarily supporting the artist for the first time in their lives, the philosophy majors were seen begrudgingly adding “Blowin’ in the Wind” to their playlists instead.
TOLEDO, OH—Following four years of pursuing various unemployable majors, jobless Philosophy major Geraldo Hernandez ’20 was thrilled to start living at home indefinitely over 2 months ahead of schedule.
“He keeps saying ‘something will fall into place’ soon, but ‘just wants some time off,’” said Gloria Hernandez, sighing as her son woke up from his second nap of the day asking what’s for dinner. “I got my brother Hector to offer Geraldo an entry-level marketing position at his firm, but apparently my son texted him back saying he’d get back to him in a few months.”
Since he arrived home last Monday, Hernandez has organized his collection of sweatpants and think-pieces by French philosophers and hung up photos of himself rolling and then smoking a blunt. “Going to be here for a while; might as well get comfortable,” he said, closing a Glassdoor tab and relaxing back into his chair.
As of press time, Hernandez had calmed his mother down by telling her he was “studying the financial markets” as he sold a 60th turnip bunch on Animal Crossing.
A new report by Cornell’s Office of Institutional Planning and Research found that the University’s Sage School of Philosophy is currently 67% theoretical, a new record.
“A recent decline in the number of physical students who decide to study philosophy has been a real boon for us,” Philosophy department chair Derk Pereboom explained. Pereboom went on to say that a majority of the department’s funding is now in a imaginary currency he devised himself.
Emphasizing the department’s recent growth in the metaphysical realm, Dr. Pereboom gesticulated enthusiastically towards a large empty area on the Arts Quad. “We’re really excited about this,” he exclaimed. “A generous donation has allowed us to construct this state-of-the-art facility. Our researchers are now able to perform some of the most innovative thought experiments happening anywhere.”
The Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences indicated that the philosophy department may very well be 100% theoretical by 2020.