Report: 2/3 of Philosophy Department Now Purely Theoretical

A new report by Cornell’s Office of Institutional Planning and Research found that the University’s Sage School of Philosophy is currently 67% theoretical, a new record.

“A recent decline in the number of physical students who decide to study philosophy has been a real boon for us,” Philosophy department chair Derk Pereboom explained. Pereboom went on to say that a majority of the department’s funding is now in a imaginary currency he devised himself.

Emphasizing the department’s recent growth in the metaphysical realm, Dr. Pereboom gesticulated enthusiastically towards a large empty area on the Arts Quad. “We’re really excited about this,” he exclaimed. “A generous donation has allowed us to construct this state-of-the-art facility. Our researchers are now able to perform some of the most innovative thought experiments happening anywhere.”

The Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences indicated that the philosophy department may very well be 100% theoretical by 2020.

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