Coach David Archer Assures Cornell Football Team They Just Barely Missed Playing in Super Bowl This Year

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Addressing his confused and disappointed team, football coach David Archer ‘05 told the Big Red that they were “really, really close” to making the Super Bowl this year.

“When the guys heard there was a big game going on this weekend, they seemed pretty heartbroken that they hadn’t been invited,” said Archer. “I wanted to let them down easy. If it takes a little white lie to make that happen, it’s a compromise I’ll have to accept.

Sources confirmed that football players felt it was “unfair” that the Cincinnati Bengals and Los Angeles Rams got to compete in the championship game. Clubhouse leaders reportedly pointed out the hypocrisy in excluding the Big Red, noting that the only factors separating Cornell Football from the NFL powerhouses was a significant gap in size, athleticism, coaching acumen, and general talent.

“It was tough to see them get so down about this, because I know the guys really tried their best this year and felt they deserved some recognition for that effort,” the coach continued. “Sure, they may have only won two games this year and finished last in the Ivy League, but the trophies they got at the end of the season told them that they’re all winners, and they really took that message to heart.”

At press time, Archer was preparing to tell his team their letter of invitation from the Olympics “must’ve gotten lost in the mail.”

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling through his phone.

 It was not until the episode ended that Morgan checked her phone and noticed a notification that Graven had posted an Instagram story. Hoping he had taken a cute candid of her during their night in, she was reportedly taken aback when she saw the actual story. According to sources close to the situation, that was when the night took a turn.

“Dude, we were just chilling, and then out of nowhere, she starts bombarding me with questions, saying shit like ‘Why is it such a big deal that he’s retiring?’ and asking me if I even care about how she feels,” said Graven, before clarifying “All I did was throw up a story to thank the GOAT for his years dominating the game.”

Per sources, Morgan’s initial comment was that she “just thinks it’s funny” that Graven had made yet another Instagram story commemorating NFL star Tom Brady’s retirement. 

“It’s not the first time this has come up. That kid is on thin ice,” said Morgan’s roommate Heather Jones. “For her birthday a few weeks ago, he posted a blurry photo of them from a random day at like 11:45pm, but put up three college basketball highlights earlier during her birthday dinner.”

“I’m not crazy or anything,” said Morgan through clenched teeth, “I just think it’s kinda interesting that he’s posted about some football player calling it quits three times in the past week, but that he could only make one story for our six-month anniversary! He’s not even a Patriots fan!!”

When asked for further comment, Jones strongly suggested that the alignment of the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day almost certainly be the nail in Graven’s coffin.

“And the Americans, they like this ‘Football’? Then we shall like it too,” Exclaims Entire International Student Body

OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS – Committed to making the most of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the entire international student body released a statement earlier this morning proclaiming their enjoyment of American Football. 

“Even though it makes no sense and is played nowhere else on the planet, we get such a kick over how crazy you all get about your little game. As such, we have announced that we are committed to liking football and will do our very best to not compare it to much more established and international sports tournaments, for the rest of the week,” read the statement.  The statement was signed by nationals of the 95 countries represented in the Cornell student body, as well as by several international student organisations. 

The statement continued with the following stipulations; “For the rest of the week, we will respond with insightful, but measured, comments on several key factors contributing to the outcome of the game. These may or may not include: Pat Maholmes’s gunslinging offence, the earth-shaking run game of the 49-ers, and how grateful we, the international community, are that we won’t need to hear about how ‘underrated’ Tom Brady is from Patriots fans.”

“Finally, we will refrain from any eye-rolling, sarcastic comments, remarks on the quantity of advertisements, and comparisons to any of the following significantly more grounded sporting events: football, rugby, tennis, badminton, basketball, cricket, volleyball, water polo, table tennis, and hockey, for the duration of the game.” 

The statement closed with “Besides, we all know that we’re just here for the commercials anyway.”

We Tried to Write A Superbowl Article, But Only Came Up with These Headlines

…Sports?

1. The Superbowl Was Fine, But What Was Up With That Lukewarm Guacamole, Sharon?
2. Justin Timberlake Fails To Bring Timber And/Or Lakes To His Performance
3. How About Those Superbowl Passes and Touchdowns and Whatnot?
4. Horny Students Disappointed Over the Lack of Janet Jackson Nipples
5. Hungry Babies Disappointed Over the Lack of Janet Jackson Nipples
6. The Eagles Won The Superbowl, But Your Uncle Is Still Racist
7. Student Pretends to Care About Superbowl After Great-Aunt Diagnosed With Cancer
8. Wait, So Tom Brady Is Not A Character on The Brady Bunch?
9. Superbowl? That Reminds Me, What’s Up With That Bowlcut Patrick?
10. Superbowl? More Like Soup Her Bowl!
11. Hey Amanda, How About Toss Some Pigskins In That Bland Ass Chili? Daddy Needs Meat.
12. Op-ED: I Fucked A Football
13. Do Footballs Taste Like Bacon? We Asked 4 Random Homeless People Downtown
14. Barbara Disqualified From SuperBowl Party Because Her Salsa Tested Positive For Okra
15. SuperBowl? More Like SuperBitch! Get Out Of My Room, Mom!
16. SuperBowl? More Like SuperCuts Did A Bang Up Job On My Little Brother, Crispin
17. Confirmed: Patriotism Dead in 2018
18. Justin Timberlake Is Just White Jamie Foxx, But Worse
19. Lucas’ Chode Mom Didn’t Warm Up The Totino’s
20. The Superbowl Was Nice, But Where Was Ben Stiller?
21. The SuperBowl Was Great, But Where Were Janet’s Titties Tho?
22. The Superbowl Was Super, But Where Was the Bowl?
23. Nooz In Pictures: Happy Eagles Fan Finally Has A Distraction From His Wildly Large Foreskin
24. While You Were Watching The SuperBowl, I Was Fucking Your Dad
25. Literally Suck My Dick, Tom Brady. No, Like Please, I Need This Tom

Student Hastily Relates Super Bowl To Last Night’s Comparative Literature Reading

GOLDWIN SMITH – Stating that the dichotomy between good and evil was a theme in both John Milton’s oeuvre Paradise Lost and the championship football game between the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons, comparative literature student William Perkins ‘18 hastily related his reading from the previous night to Super Bowl LI during discussion.

“We see the clear divide Milton makes between God and Lucifer, the former being the embodiment of purity and the other a manifestation of sin. The same is true for last night’s big game, in that I’m sure all of us imagined one team as on the side of God and the other with Satan, however surely that depends on which side you were rooting for,” said Perkins in a meager attempt to participate in class, making a huge stretch to compare Tom Brady’s comeback in the fourth quarter to the epic poem’s central quest for revenge against God.

“The fallen angels might even be a better metaphor for the Atlanta team, now that I think about it. They were in the good graces of God until they gave in to their tragic flaw, which we all know is hubris, and fell from that grace. And if you look at their logo, the Falcons even resemble fallen angels.”

At press time, Williams had managed to shoehorn in the Chicago Cubs World Series victory into a short response to Dostoevsky’s Notes From The Underground.