TA’s Parents Screaming in Background of Office Hours Really Contributing to Learning Experience

ATLANTA, GA—During his weekly Monday night office hours, area CS 4780 TA Jeffrey Green has reportedly been providing exceptional help, clarifying difficult course concepts, and almost successfully drowning out his off-camera parents’ raucous arguments about who should be doing the dishes.

Like most Mondays, during this week’s session, students sat in the Zoom waiting room, joined a breakout room after a half hour or so, and then relayed their questions to a noticeably frustrated Green as his parents, Deborah and David Green, engaged in a cacophonous shouting match in the other room.

Despite the shift away from campus, Green’s students reportedly feel extremely engaged during his office hours, particularly with the very audible marital tension occurring within earshot of his web camera. Office hours attendance has increased sharply in recent weeks as students have more and more unanswered questions for Green ahead of finals. 

“So your dad did or didn’t say he’d sort the laundry before 5:00?” asked Michele Larrison ‘21. “And, I know we’ve covered this before, but could you remind me, Angelica is your mom’s younger sister? The attractive one who’s caused problems before, right?” 

Student curiosity and satisfaction with Green’s office hours seem to suggest a more enthusiastic classroom environment than ever before. 

“Jeffrey’s office hours have been really beneficial, and I think I’ve gained a much better comprehension of backpropagation ahead of our exam,” said Charlie McBain ‘20 “and more importantly, I really think his mom needs to chill out- Walgreens receipt timestamps cannot be easily forged like she thinks.” 

Faced with the choice between the echo-plagued Wednesday TA who does not wear headphones and the glitchy Friday TA whose family hasn’t upgraded their wifi since 2005, Green’s Monday night sessions and deteriorating family dynamic appear to be student’s best choice for learning.

Student Gets The Bad TA

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Upon arriving to her first discussion section on Wednesday, Julie Witzeman ’20 was shocked to discover that she was placed into the section led by the bad TA.

“Apparently my TA has a reputation for responding infrequently to emails, not explaining the important points, and taking points off assignments for every minor issue,” said Witzeman, while reading the class’s RateMyProfessor. “This review just says ‘if you get the bad TA, you’re fucked.’”

During the first class section, the bad TA outlined his policies for the semester, including a no-excuses anti-electronics rule, required attendance in each section, and instructions for all students to address him as “Sir.”

“I figured there would be room in other sections considering the enrollment limit is 20 and my section only has six students, but every single one has a red dot on student center,” continued Witzeman. “The one time I saw another open up, I’m pretty sure student center crashed from a bunch of people trying to enroll in the class at once.”

Meanwhile, Witzeman’s friend in another section described his TA as “a chill grad student” who “doesn’t like to give B’s.”

University Just Cancels Class Because It Didn’t Do The Reading

DAY HALL—After pulling an all-nighter and taking two prelims this week, the exhausted University has decided to just cancel class because it didn’t do the reading.

“Usually I just squeeze out some state-of-the-art bullshit for participation credit, but fuck it—I’m so done with this semester,” said the University while getting ready to go out for Thirsty Thursday instead of preparing to sit in silence during discussion tomorrow.

Stressed about the crazy amount of work from class this semester, the University has considered either switching to pass/fail or seducing the TA at Loco tonight for a good grade.

“Everyone always says what I was going to say before it’s my turn anyway,” it added as it tried to further justify cancelling class. “And I don’t get why we even have to read this, it’s not like we’re ever going to use it in real life.”

Sources confirmed that the University will probably procrastinate on this and every other reading until finals, when surely a couple of caffeine pills and a hopefully lenient TA should do the trick.

Undergrad TA Actually Helps A Student

PHYSICAL SCIENCES BUILDING—After having spent three months last year studying Intro Physics and receiving a B in the class, Undergraduate TA Chet Fairweather ’19 demonstrated his physics expertise by actually helping a student.

“I normally send people with questions directly to the more experienced grad TAs or the professor, and that’s pretty much my role here,” explained Fairweather, who noted that although Adderall helped him through the course, he is unfortunately unable to supply it during office hours.

In an attempt to encourage students to think they have adequate resources to succeed, Cornell has increased its number of undergraduate TAs, who offer services such as being silent, sitting in the corner of the classroom, and pretending they remember the material.

“Most of them just stare at the walls and don’t offer much help,” said Meredith Reiner ’21, “but Chet actually knows what he’s talking about. The other day, I asked him what the date was and he fell within two days of the correct answer. Then I asked him about static friction and he told me that he enjoys friction. Chet is awesome!”

Inspired by his own genius, Fairweather plans to tackle new and greater physics questions through other courses, like “PHYS 1201: Why is the Sky Blue?”