Pitch Black Pilgrimage Back Home From Hopeless Evening Prelim With Exodus of Fellow Screwups Most Camaraderie Your Shriveled Heart Has Felt in Years
THURSTON AVE. BRIDGE—At 9:16 PM Monday, a trudging line of solemnly shuffling figures could be…
Pitch Black Pilgrimage Back Home From Hopeless Evening Prelim With Exodus of Fellow Screwups Most Camaraderie Your Shriveled Heart Has Felt in Years
THURSTON AVE. BRIDGE—At 9:16 PM Monday, a trudging line of solemnly shuffling figures could be seen snaking down to North Campus, participating in a timeless rite of post-prelim passage designed to cleanse the academic spirit. The lumbering group emitted a characteristic primal rumble of lamenting voices that could be heard for miles around as its…
Understaffed TSA Really Digging Deep To Meet Groping Quota
JFK AIRPORT—Throughout the record-long government shutdown, air travelers have endured widespread flight delays and cancellations as airports across the country grapple with staffing shortages. Even so, thousands of TSA agents have worked tirelessly over the past month—without pay—to meet the Department of Homeland Security’s unrelenting groping quota. “It seemed inevitable that the shutdown was going…
Nooz Explains: Trump–Kotlikoff Deal
Terms of the agreement: Clause I: Carnelian Red MAGA hats to be sold at Cornell Store Clause III: Kotlikoff must trade blue Fruit Roll-Up for banana left in bottom of Trump’s lunch box Clause VI: Touchdown the Bear required to assist in ICE arrests Clause VIII: All University Communications will henceforth and From Now On…
E-Scooter Going Right, No, Left, No—
CRADIT FARM DRIVE—Since the start of the semester, students across campus have been terrorized by remorseless, bloodthirsty, and cruel individuals: E-Scooter riders. No roadway or path is safe from them. Last Thursday, Gloria Alvarado ‘28 was the latest victim. After a long day of being manhandled by chemistry homework, Alvarado was walking back to her…
Roommate From California With Red Horns Sets Thermostat to 1,500 Degrees
COOK HOUSE—Last night, after an hour or so of tossing and turning, Noelle Keyes ‘28 got out of bed to turn the thermostat down, only to find that her roommate, ልጎጮቹቹ ርዐረዪጎጋፏቹ ’28 of El Infierno, California, had set the temperature to a toasty 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit. Although she turned it down to a more…
Clif Bar Wrapper Drowns Out Guest Speaker
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Earlier this week, students in GOVT 1111: Introduction to American Government attempted to hear from a distinguished guest lecturer as he was drowned out by a Clif Bar wrapper. “I was starving,” explained James Deng ‘29, who skipped breakfast to get to class on time. Students reported a noisy rustling of papers as…
Op-Ed: IG Stalking Your Crush Through the Club Account is Normal and Healthy, Actually
What do you mean? Stalking your crush through your club’s Instagram account is normal and healthy. Love requires sacrifice. That’s why, when I initially needed to find his Instagram, I went through the club account’s followers until I found the person I saw him eating with once through my binoculars. From there, it was pretty…
UN Initiative to Bring Clean Drinking Water to Morrison by 2028
MORRISON DINING— Representatives of UN-Water, the coordination agency that manages global water accessibility, announced a new initiative on Monday to bring clean drinking water to Morrison Dining. “I’ve been parched for the past 45 goddamn minutes,” lamented UN representative Keefe Saunders, wandering around Morrison like a bumbling toddler trying to find a water dispenser. “They’re…
“Bacon, Egg, and Cheese”: Cuomo Seen Practicing Under His Breath Minutes Before Interview
NEW YORK, NY—As the New York City mayoral race heats up, former governor and current mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was spotted outside a Bronx bodega Monday morning, whispering “bacon, egg, and cheese” under his breath like a Gregorian chant in what witnesses describe as “a deeply unsettling display of cultural assimilation,” just minutes before his…
Guy Still Wearing Cayuga Med Wristband Monday After Halloweekend Really Wants You to Ask What Happened
ARTS QUAD—Following a weekend of Halloween festivities, Sean Kenneth ‘28 was found Monday sporting a short-sleeve shirt in 55°F weather and white Cayuga Medical Center ID bracelet. “Oh, this?” he was reported to have said repeatedly throughout the day. “It’s a long story, actually it’s pretty crazy. But it’s nothing bro, like seriously don’t worry…
