Girl With Bi Flag Sticker on Laptop Thinks We Couldn’t Tell
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Elena Davis ‘26 has been turning heads all over campus with a recent addition…
Girl With Bi Flag Sticker on Laptop Thinks We Couldn’t Tell
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Elena Davis ‘26 has been turning heads all over campus with a recent addition to her laptop stickers collection: a bisexual pride flag. The holographic pink, purple, and blue stripes are pasted just above her Hozier sticker and to the left of a Cornell Outdoor Education decal. Davis believes this revelation came as a…
Fourth Info Session Paints Club in Totally New Light
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—With ClubFest around the corner, Cornell’s on-campus organizations have already begun the frantic race to recruit the newest crop of bright, eager young minds. Veteran students know that this is a marathon, not a sprint; lengthy application processes reward only the most determined, tenacious, and desperate candidates. Alpha Zeta Delta Pre-Business Fraternity has…
Mononucleosis Researcher Calls for Release of Epstein-Barr Phials
URIS HALL—After years of silence, biology student Jada Stanley ‘27 has come forward with shocking allegations about her lab’s research. “I just needed a few samples of the Epstein-Barr virus for a test I was running,” said Stanley. “When I put in my request, my bosses started acting strange. They wouldn’t give them to me….
New Roommates Still Figuring Out Masturbation Schedule
MARY DONLON HALL—The transition to college is challenging for nearly everyone, especially as many freshmen find themselves sharing their living space with a stranger for the first time. Inevitably, these new roommates learn that becoming familiar with each other’s masturbation schedules as soon as possible helps to smooth out the adjustment to campus life. After…
“Hey! Do You Hate Your Life Too?”: Project Team Gauges Interest
ENGINEERING QUAD—With a new class of bright-eyed first-years settling into Cornell, the University’s many student organizations are seizing new recruitment opportunities. Project team members, in particular, have pounced at the chance to contact human life, move their limbs, get fresh air, et. cetera. “Hey! Do you share your life, too?” asked Dalia Good ‘26, an…
Divine Roommate Overlord Compels Subordinate Rent-payers To Sign the “72 Commandments of 901 College Ave Apt-1”
COLLEGETOWN—The proclivities of Collegetown roommates have inevitably emerged, and the victims of the 901 College Ave Apt-1 lease quickly realized that living together was about to go from string lights and girl nights to full-on fist fights. Held hostage by a lease, the girls couldn’t escape Lilith Quinn ‘26, self-proclaimed group leader. “The second I…
Foolish Idiot 12-Year-Old Hasn’t Started Thinking About Junior Year Collegetown Lease
ITHACA MIDDLE SCHOOL—As he begins the seventh grade, little twelve-year-old Jamie Griffin ‘34 comes home to his parents’ house after a long day of school, blissfully unaware that his options for junior year housing in Collegetown are filling up fast. This stupid pea-brained idiot hasn’t even begun his apartment search, and the dumbass needs to…
“I’m Going to Butcher These Names”: Professor Selects Students for Slaughter
URIS HALL—The second week of classes started uneventfully, with students settling into their routines and professors getting to know their classes. However, a few terrified students in Uris Hall G01 were in for a cruel surprise. “The professor seemed more irritated than last week. Maybe because only half the class showed up after he said…
“And What Big Teeth You Have!” Roommate Looks Different Following Coyote Disappearance
ONCE UPON A TIME—There was a little freshman in a little red hoodie, and so the student body called her Little Red Riding Hoodie. Little Red Riding Hoodie ‘29 was returning from her evening chem lab when she got a Crime Alert warning her to look out for a big, bad coyote. She did not…
