“One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy,” Says Frat Pledge Assigned to Clean up Infinite Sand After Tropical-Themed Party

EDDY STREET—There is little more sacred and unchanging in this world than the duty of a new Fraternity Pledge to clean up after a party. Unfortunately for Hayden Mendoza ‘27, his fraternity decided to end the year with a “tropical-themed” bash. As soon as the stumbling mass of Hawaiian shirts faded into the distance, Mendoza…

Read More

Student Receives Journal and Therapy, Stops Writing for Daily Sun Opinion Section

THE CORNELL STORE—After a few days of privately journaling, Meyer Cliffson ‘27 decided that his biweekly contributions to the Opinion column in the Cornell Daily Sun were no longer necessary to subside his moral insecurities. This unexpected choice was made following his first therapy consultation, in which the therapist immediately provided Cliffson with an extensive…

Read More

Pathetic Zeus Visitor Not Good Enough for Pristine Marble Table, Exiled to Weak Little Wooden Bench

Hoping for a shot at joining the elites of Cornell, Michael White ‘26 entered the alluring seating area of Temple of Zeus. As the unspoken meeting place for aesthetically blessed students, the radiant marble tables glistened seductively as he passed. But White stirred up trouble when he attempted to find an available seat, eliciting shock…

Read More

Morrison Dining Petitions Cornell for Increased Funding After Spending Over Half the Budget on Windex

MORRISON DINING – In a shocking turn of events, Morrison Dining, renowned for its 30-minute wait times and fishtank-like appearance, has found itself in dire financial straits after reportedly squandering half of its annual budget on industrial-grade Windex. “These windows are the most earth-shattering financial drain I’ve seen in my entire career,” lamented Morrison financial…

Read More

When2Meet Fraud? No Way Friendless Outcast Club Member Is Busy on Friday After 8

WARREN HALL—Every semester, thousands of Cornellians ambiguously fill out When2Meet surveys seeking an optimal hour to schedule their weekly rendezvous. While scrutinizing the availability of his fellow project teammates, president Edmund Fitch ‘24 was shocked to see that for the first time, the socially inept loner on the team indicated that he was unavailable to…

Read More

Study: Burnout Most Common Among Stupid Kids

Every semester, students across campus eagerly await “prelim season,” a time for rigorous–yet invigorating–intellectual stimulation. Unfortunately, according to a new report released by Cornell’s Department of Psychology, stupid kids actually suffer during this energizing time of year.  Academic burnout is brought on by overwhelming workloads, and can cause students to feel drained, exhausted, and unmotivated….

Read More

“Silly Drink Paint Thursdays” Revealed To Be Hazing All Along

UNIVERSITY AVE—Aspiring brothers of Beta Sigma fraternity were shocked to find out that their favorite weekly pledge event “Silly Drink Paint Thursday” was actually hazing. Beta Sigma was one of many fraternities placed under suspension by the University amidst a crackdown on hazing. Brothers and pledges alike were caught off guard by the punishment, unsure…

Read More