“You Probably Wouldn’t Have Heard About It,”: Cool Students Hold Niche, Indie Vigil for Green Dragon Closure

SIBLEY HALL—Much to the chagrin of Cornell’s artistic, architectural and alternative communities, Green Dragon Cafe has closed for the semester due to renovations to Sibley Hall. The cafe, located at the north end of the Arts Quad, has long served as a vibes marketplace and popular hangout spot for some of the university’s chillest students….

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“I Have Concepts of a Plan”: Trump Scrambles to Outline Essay

MAR-A-LAGO, FL—With a looming deadline and mounting pressure from advisors, former President Donald Trump is reportedly clambering to finish his first paper’s outline for GOVT 1111: Intro to American Government and Politics. “The President is currently hard at work to deliver this outline for the American people,” said Trump campaign spokesman Steven Cheung. “Meanwhile, radical…

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“Come Down Here and Scan our QR Code!” Cornell Kidnapping Club Grabs Several New Members at ClubFest

BARTON HALL— Excitement was in the air at Cornell’s Fall ClubFest as students eagerly perused hundreds of the University’s student-run organizations. Clubs employed a variety of methods to entice students to join their communities, such as flashy posters, games, and performances. “A lot of clubs have already caught my attention,” observed Annika Williams ’27. “They…

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Freshman Roommate Shows True Colors, Suddenly “Not A Fan” Of Chain-Smoking

DONLON HALL—Many students look back on their freshman roommates fondly, with memories of smiles, shenanigans, and stressful study weeks where they realize they’d rather room with someone else. However, serial-smoker Max Monroe ‘28 found that his roommate’s vibe was grumpier than he expected.  The pair had gotten along well online, but during move-in day, everything…

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Cornell-UAW Agreement Includes COLA, Though Water Might Have Been a Healthier Option

DAY HALL—Weeks of strikes have culminated in a landmark agreement between Cornell University and the United Auto Workers Local 2300 that addresses dozens of the union’s demands, including higher wages, expanded benefits, and access to a popular carbonated soft drink. While this new contract will no doubt improve the lives of the University’s employees, Cornell’s…

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