COLLEGETOWN- A green Chevrolet Camaro crashed through the windows of Collegetown Pizza at approximately 1:34 AM, early Saturday morning. As of now, there are only 327 reported injuries, most of which were minor. All the passengers of the car, including 2 males and 14 females, sustained no injuries. Cayuga Medical Center reported that this is…
ITHACA, NY — Following an awkward, prolonged encounter with an unfortunate student, staff at Gannett Health Services were surprised and disgusted to learn that “the clap” was not, in fact, “a fun dance move like ‘the twerks’ that all these kids are into,” as reported by one distraught nurse. CU Nooz was on scene as…
“I don’t know where I went wrong,” Grant Zuckerman told Cornell Nooz. Zuckerman, who claimed to have “the next Facebook – a once-in-a-lifetime idea,” was struck by the fact that he was not yet a millionaire. “I thought I did everything right: I came up with a great idea, told all my friends about it,…
ITHACA- A recent analysis of the Gettysburg Address – currently being held in Cornell’s Rare Manuscripts Collection – has revealed new and insightful evidence regarding the document’s origins. In reviewing the text, PhD candidates Derek Riley and Emily Yang found several revisions and notes written in the document’s margins. Speaking with Nooz, Yang explained “the…
ITHACA- A new Cornell study has found overwhelming evidence the Abraham Lincoln plagiarized the Gettysburg Address. Cornell Oral Communication professor Gabriela Baker began this research in anticipation of the 150 year anniversary of the speech held this week. Baker told CU Nooz “I read over the hard copy of his speech, and something just didn’t…
ITHACA- Area Slut Jenny Ellison reportedly failed to locate her companion Becky throughout the evening of Saturday, November 16th. Sources told Nooz that the vapid inebriated mess spent 45 minutes wandering aimlessly around Dunbar’s asking strangers of Becky’s whereabouts. The aforementioned 21-year-old proceeded to give up and cry for 15 minutes before vomiting into an…
ITHACA- Professor Alan Dalton commended Sophomore Jacob Harrison for his exciting and unique literary voice on a recent mid-term assignment which he reportedly wrote from the second person perspective. “The paper really made me feel like I was there with Jacob, learning about cell biology for the first time,” Dalton told CU Nooz, “Most of…
Dr. James B. Maas, who served as the Stephen H. Weiss Presidential Fellow, Professor and past Chairman of Cornell’s Psychology department, returned to campus this morning for the first time in over a year. Maas is best know for his academic and literary work on the psychology of sleep. Today, at 10:10 am in Bailey Hall,…
Despite Cornell University’s recent attempts to diversify its off-campus programs, university administrators admitted Tuesday that the University’s “Cornell in Newark” and “Cornell in Detroit” programs had not been as popular as their D.C. program for unexplained reasons. “We’re mystified, really,” said Vice President of Student Life William Darson. “We thought that offering new programs in…
After the defeat of the German department, Temple of Zeus has been divided between the Russian department, the English department, the French department and Department of American Studies. These new boundaries were organized by American Studies professor Marshall Goldberg, and are part of a greater relief effort known as “The Marshall Plan.” Reports from the Russian department…
