ITHACA, NY — According to an aggressively loud conversation, sources have confirmed that area freshman Adam Nelson has become the first individual to come up with five “drinking days” of the week.
In an act of astounding wit and ingenuity, the natural resources major was loudly shouting, “Yo, let’s go! It’s Mixed-Drink Monday! let’s get fucked up!” at anybody in his vicinity. “And tomorrow, we can have Trashed Tuesday! Get it? Haha! Get it?” he continued, demonstrating another one of his seven masterfully-crafted combinations.
Other “Nelson Pairings” include Wasted Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, Fucked Up Friday, and Sloshed Saturday.
“I am so funny!” shouted Nelson as he left his Low Rise 7 lounge in search of another morning Keystone. “It’s totally not alcoholism if you can make an alliteration using the name of the day.”
Recent reports indicate that Nelson had slept through his in-class final at 1:25 p.m. on Monday.