WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL – Monday, in one of her weekly emails to the student body, Denise Cassaro reminded students that the semester, as well as their youth, is already half-over. “Wow!” remarked Cassaro in her signature multi-color newsletter. “I can’t believe it! It feels like the semester just began! In just a few weeks you…
HELEN NEWMAN- The Cornell Diving team issued a short statement today, announcing the hiring of new assistant coach Margaret Baxter to nobody really. “We’re excited to welcome Margaret Baxter to the Cornell diving family, where her previous expertise will go unnoticed by almost all of the student population,” boasted head diving coach Joe Lucia, who…
COLLEGETOWN — It was learned today that favorite local late-night dessert establishment Insomnia Cookies will be closing in the upcoming months, and will eventually be replaced by a new business called Paranoia Undercooked Meats. “We here at Paranoia Undercooked Meats understand that Insomnia Cookies has been a staple among hungry students looking for a late-night…
KENNEDY HALL- Following an entire year of taking introductory classes for the eventual B.S. degree, Comm major Samantha Booker ’17 admitted that at this point in her collegiate career she still is unaware of what ‘Comm’ stands for. “Computers? Community? Combative training? I really don’t know, and these classes aren’t giving me any hints,” complained…
COLLEGETOWN- Area residents are excited about Collegetown’s newest line, which opened last Wednesday on the corner of Eddy Street and Dryden Road. “Collegetown has a lot of great lines, but I think this one has the potential to be one of the longest,” said senior Tina Hernandez, currently standing 24th on the already popular line….
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD- In an attempt to raise interest in a football program that has struggled in recent years, the Cornell football team announced today that it would begin a new rivalry with the concept of winning, starting this season. “We really just needed to get some of these Cornellians energized and excited to watch our…
ITHACA- Bill Gates’ visit to Cornell this week is packed with events, including the Computer Science Department’s 50th anniversary and a Q&A session with President Skorton, culminating in the dedication ceremony for Gates Hall. During his stay, Gates will announce the overall goals of the academic building, which include encouraging budding young computer scientists to…
DAY HALL- Administration announced early this morning that the University would be closing from 8:00AM-12:00PM due to fog putting a real damper on the morning. “We woke up this morning, saw all the fog, and just though, ‘Ugh, I do not feel like getting out of bed,’” said spokesman Claudia Wheatley while still in her…
