SPONSORED POST: From now until November 16, go to www.tnote.com and enter the code “CUNooz” for $5 off your purchase. COLLEGETOWN – Supplemental course note provider TakeNote has announced it will begin offering a TakeExam service, in which TakeNote employees will take prelims and finals for students at a predetermined price. “We are confident that TakeExam will improve…
SCHOELLKOPF —With thousands of students and alumni on campus to celebrate Homecoming weekend, football fans were disappointed on Saturday as Cornell was defeated 31-14 by musicians Grace Potter and Icona Pop. “I’m very proud of my boys, but we all knew it was going to be rough going up against an indie singer and a…
ITHACA, NY — Matthew Bernstein ‘15 has been suffering from an alcohol withdrawal headache all day, a headache which he has mistakenly attributed to too little sleep. “Man, my head’s pounding today. I definitely need to get to bed earlier today,” said Bernstein, unable to connect the dots between the fact he’s been drunk every…
WITHIN 10FT OF DAY HALL — “Yeah, you know, I just don’t really care anymore,” said David Skorton as he lit the cigarette he kept behind his ear within ten feet of an air vent intake. “What can I say, I’m a pretty dangerous guy.” This incident is the most recent in a string of…
North Campus — In a press conference today , President Skorton announced his decision to change up the lines separating Cornell’s Campus to make Balch Residential Hall part of Central Campus. Skorton argued that this move would significantly improve campus life. “Many people are concerned that most residential halls are too far away from the…
BARNES HALL – Senior Simone Sedgwick is supposedly super stoked about her looming prospects of post-graduation indentured servitude. “My current loan balance is 20% more than the annual salary of a nation’s leading neurosurgeons,” explained Sedgwick while playfully tearing out her hair. “The current cost of living combined with the astoundingly meager job prospects predict…
ITHACA COMMONS — Completion of the Ithaca Commons development has been delayed until early 2015 in order to give Mayor Svante Myrick enough time to find the toy truck that he lost there last weekend. They mayor was reportedly playing on the construction site with the toy truck, while making pretend that it was a…
ITHACA, NY — Numerous students across campus reported being really psyched over the prospect of “exploring” New York City, literally one of the most visited places in the world, over fall break. “New York City is a soul-sucking dementor of a place. It always smells of garbage, the subway stations are covered in a thick…
ITHACA- Saying that it was a “bad mistake,” university founder Ezra Cornell admitted today to screwing up the college motto that has been used at Cornell University for the past 150 years. “It was just a slip of the tongue, really. ‘I would found an institution’? Who says that?” said an embarrassed Cornell, who had…
DONLON — In what RA’s across campus are calling “The Donlon Miracle,” a potential fire was narrowly averted when building inspectors discovered a poster exactly 19 inches from the ceiling. Equipped with protractors and tape measures, building inspectors entered 4551 Donlon Hall at around 10:30 Monday morning and quickly noticed a cat poster perched dangerously…
