OP-ED: And I Would’ve Gotten Away With It Too If It Weren’t for Those Darn Research Ethics

By Former Professor Brian Wansink

After years of being a legendary celebrity in the world of food science research, I was still at the top of my game here at Cornell, basking in the glory of my decades of hard work. Sure, I fudged a few numbers here and there, and may or may not have told my grad students to actively manipulate data, but everything was going smoothly.

Typos, P-hacking, mismanagement of data—all a means to an end in order to achieve my goal of showing how celebrity researchers can get away with anything. I could’ve sat back and kicked my feet up until the end of my tenure.

I was a god amongst men– and I would have stayed that way, too, if it weren’t for those meddling research ethics!

That blasted scientific moral code will rue the day it ever questioned me or my power. But be warned, experimental integrity, you haven’t seen the last of me! I’ll be back, do you hear me!? You will never forget the name of Professor Brian Wansink! Curse you, scientific method! Curse youuuuuu…….

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