2021

Absolutely Zero Chance Of McGraw Tower Catastrophically Falling Onto Ho Plaza And Rolling Down the Slope, Announces Administration In Unprompted Statement

Nooz Staff3 years ago03 mins

MCGRAW TOWER—In response to a complete absence of student concern, Cornell administration announced this morning that there was absolutely no chance of McGraw Tower toppling down atop Ho Plaza before tumbling down the slope. The statement assured that such an event, which would transform the university’s iconic clocktower into a musical human steamroller, certainly would…

Cornellians Graduating Without Taking Swim Test Report Feeling Unprepared to Enter the Workforce

Nooz Staff3 years ago03 mins

NEW YORK CITY–Last Monday, Shelby Lawrence ‘21 began her first day at her entry-level job as a Coffee Gofer at Morgan Stanley and was met with an unwelcome surprise: without having completed Cornell’s mandatory swim test due to COVID-19 cancellations, she was completely in over her head! “At first I thought it was the two…

Inconsiderate Asshole Keeps Crying During Prelim

Nooz Staff3 years ago02 mins

BAILEY HALL—After completing a grueling organic chemistry prelim, students confirmed it wouldn’t have been so bad if some selfish asshole hadn’t been sobbing uncontrollably the whole time. “I couldn’t believe what a dick the guy sitting in front of me was,” Elena Martinez ‘24 said of the bawler. “How is anyone supposed to focus on…

Professor Edges Naughty Class by Not Releasing Practice Prelim Until 24 Hours Before the Exam

Nooz Staff3 years ago02 mins

MALOTT HALL一Students in MUSIC 2212: History of Classical Composition were left panting in anticipation after Dr. Gregory Schreier announced that he would not release the practice prelim until the day before the exam as punishment for being very, very naughty. “In my class, if you want the practice exam, you have to earn it,” said…

Help! Someone in My Class Has the Same Name as Me and Now They’re Lurking Outside My Dorm Room Window Every Night Chanting in Latin

Nooz Staff3 years ago03 mins

MEWS HALL—Last Saturday, Daphne Smythe ‘25 suddenly awakened in the middle of the night to see a hooded figure holding a chalice filled with a mysterious red liquid loudly chanting Latin hymns outside her dorm room window. “I know who’s behind this malicious threat!” Smythe declared triumphantly. “It must be that darn Daphne Smithe in…

“Halloweekend Was A Movie” Says Freshman Who Saw Two Girls Kiss

Nooz Staff3 years ago02 mins

NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween weekend, typically a staple of Cornell student culture, returned in full force after COVID-19 decimated last year’s celebrations. For many students, this was their first chance to experience a true, in-person Halloween at Cornell. After weeks of building excitement, students were eager for the big weekend to arrive and early reports indicate that…

OP-ED: My Costume is Incomprehensible and Nonsensical But My Boobs Will Be Out

Nooz Staff3 years ago04 mins

COLLEGETOWN — Just as art does not need to serve a didactic purpose, existing as it does, a pursuit unto itself and subversive insofar as it refuses moral justification—so too is my Halloween costume. Inspired by the slogan l’art pour l’art, “art for art’s sake,” I have braved three Cornell Halloweekends under the banner of…

Couple Spends Hours Putting Together Costume Blissfully Unaware They Will Break Up That Night

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN — Over the past few weeks, Alessia Newman ’22 and Brett Chen ’22 poured dozens of hours into perfecting their Ash and Pikachu couples costume to wear for Halloween, not knowing that they would get in a fight that night that would result in their break-up. “They say that working together is important for…

Heartwarming: A Capella Group Performs Charity Concert for Those Unlucky Enough to Share a Wall With Them

Nooz Staff3 years ago03 mins

BAILEY HALL—The hills are alive with the sound of music, and so are those who attended the 127th annual charity concert hosted by Before Nine, one of Cornell’s elite a capella groups. As with every year previous, all proceeds raised by the performance will go directly to the pockets of those who need it most—the…

OP-ED: I Finally Got Drunk Enough to Carry The Fwuffy Wuffy Skunk Back to My Dorm

Nooz Staff3 years ago04 mins

I had just begun the godforsaken journey up Eddy street back toward North Campus, my arms slung over the shoulders of my marginally less drunk friends and my feet dragging uselessly behind, when I noticed what appeared to be a Club Penguin puffle waddling beside us in the brush. “Boys, boys,” I whispered, “You see…

No One’s Buying It, Dumbass! Idiot Supersenior Claims He’ll Still Be On Campus Next Year Because He’s Getting A “Masters Degree”

Guy Who Spent All Semester Watching 2x Speed Lecture Recordings Just Talks Like That Now

Flo Rida Gets Spun Right Round Baby Right Round Trying to Find Way Out of ILR Building

“GET ON THE GROUND AND BEG LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!” Most Merciful Chem Professor Grants Extra Credit Opportunity

Cornell Football Player Drafted to NFL Proves that Coaches Should Be Tested for Brain Damage Too

“Does Your Mother Cry Because Her Daughter Is An Idiot?” Chem TA Compliments Curious Review Session Attendee

Absolutely Zero Chance Of McGraw Tower Catastrophically Falling Onto Ho Plaza And Rolling Down the Slope, Announces Administration In Unprompted Statement

Cornellians Graduating Without Taking Swim Test Report Feeling Unprepared to Enter the Workforce

Inconsiderate Asshole Keeps Crying During Prelim

Professor Edges Naughty Class by Not Releasing Practice Prelim Until 24 Hours Before the Exam

Help! Someone in My Class Has the Same Name as Me and Now They’re Lurking Outside My Dorm Room Window Every Night Chanting in Latin

“Halloweekend Was A Movie” Says Freshman Who Saw Two Girls Kiss

OP-ED: My Costume is Incomprehensible and Nonsensical But My Boobs Will Be Out

Couple Spends Hours Putting Together Costume Blissfully Unaware They Will Break Up That Night

Heartwarming: A Capella Group Performs Charity Concert for Those Unlucky Enough to Share a Wall With Them

OP-ED: I Finally Got Drunk Enough to Carry The Fwuffy Wuffy Skunk Back to My Dorm