WEST CAMPUS— At this Saturday night’s Mu Alpha Nu party, Conrad Squid experienced a humiliating rite of passage for all Cornell freshmen males. After the usual chorus of “who do you know here bro?” “Name five brothers” and “Not tonight man” had subsided, the brother on door, Brandon Vines ’24 did something completely unexpected.
“Thank you for being rejected from MAN, would you like to leave a tip for our staff today?” Inquired Vines, whipping a tablet out of thin air. “Here at MAN we pride ourselves on our customer service,” elaborated Vines. “If any freshman male walks away from our house with any semblance of pride, it’s clear that we haven’t done our jobs correctly.”
The Men of MAN believe they deserve to be compensated for the invaluable service they provide their guests.
“I really did want to tip him 20 percent and not just because he was standing menacingly over me” explained Conrad, “all and all it was an enriching, well-rounded experience, I felt the perfect amount of humiliated and worthless.” Sufficiently impressed with his experience, Squid intends to rush MAN in the fall so he can pay to be friends with cool guys like Brandon
The necessity of fraternities like MAN to earn tips highlights the real victims of the recent rise in inflation: wealthy fraternity members. Brothers like Brandon, who is the son of the ruler supreme of JP Goldman Morgan Deloitte, are forced to accept tips like common service workers. Vines now reports that he
“Kinda sort of could imagine what it would be like to work in a Starbucks,” said Brandon. “The injustice of it all! Thanks Biden.”