MEWS HALL — Student Assembly Candidate Ingrid Ahlers ‘18 is currently leading in the fall election, likely due to the fact that her name comes first on the ballot. CU Nooz surveyed over 250 students who had already voted, and all agreed that the biggest quality they look for in a candidate was how far…
Ithaca, N.Y.— Ominous Black clouds hung over Ithaca this Monday as the Cascadilla Gorge trail was re-opened. The trail, which cuts through college town, was closed six years ago under mysterious circumstances. Many members of the Ithaca community expressed outrage over the re-opening. “Six years ago an unspeakable evil ravaged this land,” bellowed Ithaca resident…
DAY HALL — President David Skorton announced today that Cornell has surpassed its $4.76 billion fundraising goal set in 2006. He then announced plans to “put the money in our savings account in case of a rainy day.” “At this point, it certainly would help maintain our peace of mind if we had $4.76 billion…
BARTON HALL — The CUPD announced last Friday that they have successfully eliminated the word “assault” from their vocabulary. “We’re pleased to announce that we have successfully removed the word “assault” from all of our written and verbal interactions, both within the department and with the public,” explained spokeswoman Ginette Vargas. “We’re also pleased to…
GANNETT — A serious hardship for Cornell students is the steep hike up Libe Slope from West Campus, which often results in fatigue, soreness and loss of legs. Cornell Student Health Services has announced plans to open facilities at the summit of Libe Slope for the express purpose of re-attaching limbs that may have fallen…
ITHACA — Cornell Facilities Services has announced that construction of the Klarman Hole is on track and scheduled for completion by December of 2015. The new hole will be located adjacent to Goldwin Smith Hall on the East Avenue side, where it shall serve as Cornell’s “Hole for the Humanities.” This concept, as detailed by…
PITTSBURG, PA—A positive energy swept through Cornell this morning as it was learned that the college was once again ranked the top university in the country by Billy’s mom. “You know, I’ve seen a good number of colleges in the northeast, and I just know that Cornell is just the best one out of all…
William Keeton House— Sources say that North Campus resident Sally Jacobs ’18 has been spending a concerning amount of time with Johnny Wilson ’17 who lives in Keeton House on Cornell’s West Campus. “Guys like that are scum, they’re all rats. Everybody knows he’s only after one thing,” said Jacobs’ best friend Tammy Carr ’18…
KENNEDY HALL- The professors of Cornell gathered today to discuss the issue of copied homework on campus, and concluded that the best way to ensure the originality of one’s answers was to underline the words “No Copying” that can be found at the top of any assigned homework sheet. “We make it very clear that…
ITHACA- Testifying that this was going to be a deciding moment in her life, junior Cheryl Eisen ’16 said today that it is now, never, or next year to turn things around and really get her grades up. “I understand that I’ve been slacking for the past two years, but not anymore. It’s either I…
