Sources Say That West Campus Resident Has No Business Being With A Nice North Campus Girl

William Keeton House— Sources say that North Campus resident Sally Jacobs ’18 has been spending a concerning amount of time with Johnny Wilson ’17 who lives in Keeton House on Cornell’s West Campus.

“Guys like that are scum, they’re all rats. Everybody knows he’s only after one thing,” said Jacobs’ best friend Tammy Carr ’18 while chewing bubble gum. “I don’t know what’s gotten into Sally’s head, but she better snap out of it soon. People are starting to talk.”

Other sources supported Carr’s concerns, With many saying that, though they had never met Wilson personally, he was almost certainly a “creepy loner” type and “nothing but trouble.” Even some of Wilson’s friends expressed concerns over his new relationship.

“She’s just gonna chew him up and spit him out. Those North Campus dolls might like to dabble in the West Campus life. You know, have some fun, give themselves something to talk about with their friends back home, but they always just leave you for some germ who lives in a frat house,” said Wilson’s suite mate Tony Garcia as he slid out from under his hot rod.

At press time, a gang from North Campus and one from West Campus had begun aggressively approaching each other while snapping their fingers.

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