September 15, 2014

CUPD Replaces All Crime Names With More Pleasant Terms

BARTON HALL — The CUPD announced last Friday that they have successfully eliminated the word “assault” from their vocabulary.

“We’re pleased to announce that we have successfully removed the word “assault” from all of our written and verbal interactions, both within the department and with the public,” explained spokeswoman Ginette Vargas. “We’re also pleased to announce a sudden, unrelated drop in the rate of assaults on campus.”

Questioned about the assaults involving a paintball gun, Vargas responded, “We’re doing our very best to find the culprit in those “harassment” incidents. Such vitriol has no place in the Cornell Community.”

“But it could be worse. They could have been assaults, when they are quite clearly harassments,” she added.

“Our primary goal has been and always will be student safety, and that includes protecting their delicate little sensibilities. To address that and make them feel safe, we use very specific, non-incendiary terms,” the official statement reads.

“‘Sexual Assaults’ are now ‘Forcible Touchings.’ ‘Assault with a weapon?’ ‘Harassment!’ ‘Hate Crime?’ ‘Bias Incident.’ This way, Cornell students can feel safe on campus, having been equipped with the latest euphemisms and niceties.”

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