ITHACA, NY – Ithaca’s new sidewalk-salting campaign has been a large scale attempt to combat the bland flavor of the city’s paths and walkways. Complaints started rolling in to the town council in early 2011 that Ithaca sidewalks were fairly tasteless, and that most residents felt some sort of seasoning was necessary to enhance the…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell University is pleased to confirm that Black History Month is actually going pretty well this year. “Honestly, everything considered, BHM’s been pretty solid this year,” said a junior Cornellian. “In general, the entirety of Black History Month seems to have gone according to plan, which I would consider a success. We’re…
When students find themselves over-stressed by Cornell’s rigorous academic environment, some might feel trapped, show signs of depression, or generally feel that they have nobody to smell, or to smell them. The New Olfactory Service for Emotional Support (NOSES) is an attempt by the Dean of Students’ office to provide a constructive outlet for a…
ITHACA- All members of the Cornell University community went about their usual routines this past Saturday through Tuesday, completely unaware of the February Break scheduled into the academic calendar for those days. Cornellians lost out on a chance to do fun things instead of their usual, monotonously intolerable, stressful schedules. “It’s been a pretty standard…
COLLEGETOWN- College of Human Ecology sophomore Sandra Owings reported did literally “nothing” during this past weekend’s February Break. “I mostly just sat around, didn’t do any work or go out or anything,” said the Human Development major who remained sprawled out on the couch in her Collegetown apartment having not left that position since 1:30…
As the new semester begins, so too does the never-ending plight of the workers, according to a few Cornell students. Leon Truman ’17, and his classmates in “Marxism: Then and Now” have decided that the sins of capitalism are theirs to overturn. “The capitalist presence here is really out of control,” said Truman, sporting a…
ITHACA, N.Y. – Thousands of Cornell students were disappointed to hear who the new headliner for Slope Day 2014 would be. Although popular in many areas of the country, students have deemed the headliner “sucky,” “fake,” and “a piece of shit.” When asked about the level of talent in recent Slope Day acts, Drew Livingston…
ITHACA, NY – In an action that has confused friends and family alike, Student Assembly vice president Sarah Balik has begun reasoning all of her thoughts out loud, often employing obscure metaphors. “The thing about swine is that they always seem to love the muck they live in. Why wouldn’t they? It’s all they know….
BROOKLYN, NY – In a thrilling turn of events, Jake Glassner ‘14 drove home from Cornell University to metropolitan New York City area in a record-breaking time of 3:06, taking a gold medal home to his parents and his country. “I’ve trained my whole life for this,” said Glassner. “Ever since my family drove up…
NEW HAVEN, CT- The job market for Cornell students graduating in 2014 is looking great, according to the mother of Kyle Westing, ’14. “Cathy’s son, remember him? He just got a job out in California. You’ll be sure to find a job!” said Mrs. Westing, talking to the 22-year-old archaeology major over the phone. With…
