WESTCHESTER, NY—Freshman Jasper Griffith ‘21 would rather stay in Ithaca over break, but is instead reluctantly returning home to visit her bickering hamsters, Martha and Lance. “My house just doesn’t feel like a home anymore. It’s a cold atmosphere. Martha and Lance can’t stop fighting, and it’s ripping my family a new asshole,” said Griffith…
DAY HALL—Cornell Health and the university registrar have released a joint statement declaring that due to gross violations of the policy requiring mandatory weekly tests for the 2019 novel coronavirus dubbed SARS-CoV-2, your enrollment at Cornell has been terminated, effective immediately. “The battle against Covid-19 requires buy-in from the whole community, so it is disappointing…
ARTS QUAD—Hear ye! Hear ye! I come bearing grand news of the Cornell Maker Faire! Come one, come all! Listen well, students of Cornell University! Come hither to the Cornell Maker Faire, the 29th of April, in the 2017th year of our lord, and be amazed! Pray tell, hast thou ever lay’d eyes upon such…
ITHACA, NY — A desperate panic broke out across campus today when a strange orange-yellow disc appeared in the sky. The appearance was marked by a change in the sky as well, as it turned an odd blue color, upsetting students who had grown accustomed to its normal, grey-black color. Students sought support from one…
DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit. “Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases….
STEWART AVE—In a mysterious turn of events, Jacob Haddow ‘24 awoke this morning to discover a large hole in his apartment wall matching the precise proportions of his roommate. Further perplexing was his housemate’s insistence that the gaping abscess in their hallway had “always been there.” “I honestly can’t believe he doesn’t remember this,” said…
Between the new Gates Hall and the goal of Klarman Hall behind Goldwin Smith, University contractors have been busy with construction for the past few months. And after an ambitious announcement made this past Friday, they have a whole lot more to look forward to. University officials have drawn up a new plan for campus…
BAKER HALL — Nearly a week after the staff and faculty pre-enrollment period, Assistant Professor Justin Wilson found that he was still on the waitlist to teach General Chemistry for the upcoming spring semester. “I just kind of hate my life right now,” said Dr. Wilson, continuously hitting the ‘refresh’ button on the InstructorCenter homepage. “I was so ready…
WEST CAMPUS—After being swarmed with questions from friends as to why they missed the massive parties in South Beach last week, members of Pi Pi Delta fraternity explained that a booking error had sent them to party at Miami University of Ohio instead. “Fuck bro, shit happens sometimes” Brad Nolan ‘23 admitted. “I will acknowledge…
COLLEGETOWN — Just as art does not need to serve a didactic purpose, existing as it does, a pursuit unto itself and subversive insofar as it refuses moral justification—so too is my Halloween costume. Inspired by the slogan l’art pour l’art, “art for art’s sake,” I have braved three Cornell Halloweekends under the banner of…
