OP-ED: It’s a Fucking Tree. Just Keep Walking. I’m Late to Class.

Goddammit. I hate all you people so much. Stop it. Seriously, just stop taking pictures of the cherry blossom tree. Don’t play dumb, you know which one I’m talking about, next to Olin library, its bright pink and in full bloom. Yeah, fucking magical. I get it. But you don’t need to take another photo of it.

Yes, you, with the iPhone. You’re not appreciating nature, you’re wasting away through the lens of a shitty Instagram filter. I bet you feel real good about yourself today, huh? You did something artsy and fulfilling. I bet it felt fucking great, throwing caution to the wind, leaving your giant tote bag and giant-er frappuccino in the middle of Ho Plaza for some poor kid to trip over while you snapchatted your shitty picture of a branch to your besties. Good for you.

What’s that? Oh, you’re really into photography right now? Yeah, right.

You too with the fancy schmancy DSLR-SPCA-BLT 3000 super-camera. Yeah, I’m talking to you Ansel fucking Adams, with your tripod blocking the entire path while you sort through your bag of lenses and trail mix and Arcade Fire CDs. You are the worst.

All of you. Great work today. You got the one shot, the one perfect angle that was better than the 37 other people gathered in awe around this proverbial Giving Tree of self-righteousness. If there’s a heaven, Shel Silverstein and Monet are both smiling down at all you fuckers.

Really? Its just SOOO beautiful to you? Like a patch of untouched earth amongst the bustling stress of campus life? Oh give me a goddamn break. There are three state parks and a motherfucking finger lake within a 5 miles radius of campus. But you couldn’t be bothered to pay them a visit this year. I know, I know, “Maybe next Fall!” I bet you’ve just been dying to go but are really busy right now. Prick.

Don’t worry, this is pretty much the same. I mean who could resist this little piece of Eden tucked between a coffee-shop/occasional-library and a construction site? So poetic. God, you people are the worst.

Okay, maybe I’m being a bit too harsh. Maybe you just wanted to take a nice picture of the pretty tree. Maybe you’re minoring in photography (hey, its your tuition, waste it how you want). Maybe the mean op-ed by some judgmental schmuck on that website had no right to make you feel bad about taking a break in the middle of the single most trafficked pedestrian intersection on campus. In that case, I’m real fucking sorry I offended you. Go Yik Yak about it.  Ugh.

Like This!