CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.” Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant contingent of the Class of…
WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function. “This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, awkwardly closing the dialogue box…
ROCKFORD, IL—Area graduate student and instructor of MEDVL 1101: Middle English Poetry, Carlos Galarraga, has reportedly achieved a record-setting sixty-two minute period of silence after asking a question about a recent reading to his first-year writing seminar. “It got a little awkward in there for a bit, but I believe it’s really important to let…
ATLANTA, GA—During his weekly Monday night office hours, area CS 4780 TA Jeffrey Green has reportedly been providing exceptional help, clarifying difficult course concepts, and almost successfully drowning out his off-camera parents’ raucous arguments about who should be doing the dishes. Like most Mondays, during this week’s session, students sat in the Zoom waiting room,…
LOCATION BLOCKED—Streaming from the depths of his secret mountain lair, Professor Lucas Mordock excitedly announced over a Zoom lecture on Friday that “the time had finally come to set his master plan into motion,” instructing his students to submit a digital copy of their minds within a week. The chilling vision of things to come,…
410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected. “We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to take or retake the SAT…
Following Cornell’s decision not to compile median grades for the 2020 Spring Semester, critics have been emboldened in their vocal opposition to the practice, which is designed to curb grade inflation and compare students’ performance to that of their peers. Personally, I never understood why they put median grades on our transcripts in the first…
ITHACA—Shortly after telling students of his MAE 2020 course, “I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit,” Professor Robert Wiggins quickly passed away Friday morning, abruptly ending the 8 AM lecture. “It’s such a shame that it happened, and I’m sure dying on camera for hundreds to see is pretty tragic,” claimed Alicia…
PRINCETON, NJ—Midway through her ECON 1110 lecture, Samantha Keys ‘22 once again found herself in a breakout room filled with the biggest weirdos the class had to offer. “I’m not trying to be a bitch, but these people are serious buzzkills,” Keys complained. “Like, one of them spent the entire time sucking on a Slim…
ITHACA—A thrice-weekly glimpse into the home of Assistant Professor Peter Covington has proven to be a major distraction for students of his HADM 2210 Managerial Accounting course, who have taken note of the professor’s extensive collection of African fertility idols displayed across his living room. “He has mentioned before that he is single and lives…
