SCARSDALE, NY—Despite being a quintuple legacy of a world class university, recent admit and incoming freshman Warren Dansworth clearly could not get into a better school than this.
Following several months of silence as his friends joyously announced acceptances to better schools, Dansworth was quick to share the news of his acceptance to Instagram, expressing his excitement at “finally joining the Big Red family” and making it immediately obvious to his peers that he has literally no other prospects.
Like Dansworth, other members of his family made sure to brag about this lackluster feat on their social media, as if literally the rest of their family hadn’t achieved the same exact thing.
“College application season has been nothing short of stressful, especially considering how much time and money we spent on tutoring, college application coaches, private meetings with trustees, and generations of alumni donations,” said his mother, Claire Dansworth ‘72 in a Facebook post. “It’s so exciting to see Warren follow in the footsteps of his brother, me, his father, his grandparents, great-grandparents, and his great-great grandfather. God willing, his children and grandchildren will follow in the same path as well.”
As of press time, Dansworth was seen drafting a LinkedIn post expressing his excitement to receive an internship offer at the same exact company his mother, grandfather, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather worked at.
THURSTON AVENUE—In light of accusations that Cornell discriminates against students who disclose mental health struggles in their college applications, students and administrators were excited to finally have a parsimonious explanation for the school’s well-known gaiety.
“Friends at other schools always ask me why students at Cornell seem so happy and satisfied with life, and I’ve never been able to provide a satisfactory explanation—the previous best idea I’d had was the decent hockey team,” said Ramona Ortiz ‘22. “Now I know that all it takes to keep everyone bright-eyed and bushy-tailed is turning away any applicants who are open about their struggles with mental health!”
Cornell, widely considered a joyous and healthy university with no need for novel safety measures specifically designed to mitigate mental health breakdowns, has denied allegations of discrimination. Instead, the school has suggested its bevy of mental health resources are responsible for its positive national reputation vis-à-vis student wellbeing.
“While we cannot speak to the specifics of our admissions processes, Cornell’s psychiatrists—yes, that’s definitely plural—are committed to assisting the student body through any challenges they may face,” said President Martha Pollack in a prepared statement. “Cornell’s mental health care network, in which students always feel their needs have been met and complaints of unreasonable wait times are few and far between, is our crowning achievement in reducing depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues on campus. What other rationale could there be for the university’s low incidences of burn-out and despair?”
At press time, President Pollack suggested perhaps Ithaca’s warm and inviting climate could also contribute to Cornelians’ cheeriness.
DAY HALL—Yesterday, the University selected 5,288 students to create “the most diverse class in university history” and is proud to welcome the Class of 2022 to a campus riddled with hate crimes.
“We have admitted a highly talented and accomplished [class] who will flourish as Cornellians,” said senior vice provost Barbara Knuth, neglecting to add “unless they become victims of a race-motivated assault.”
The incoming students, of which 33% are underrepresented minorities and 54% are students of color, will be considering an institution where minorities are verbally and physically assaulted by their peers.
“I’ve got a pretty difficult decision to make,” said recent admit Luis Torres. “Pro: I could receive a world-class education and open so many doors for myself, but con: I might get beaten up on the weekends for not being white. Hmm! I don’t know!”
The Administration has noted that it strongly opposes all hate crimes, establishing the official stance that “racists are bad” and continuing to combat incidents with thoughts and prayers.
STATLER HALL—After receiving their acceptance letters to one of the most prestigious lunch venues on campus, the proud new members of the Cornell University Class of 2021 have officially committed to joining the salad line at the Terrace restaurant.
“I was so nervous I wouldn’t get in, but it’s such a relief and a great feeling to know that I’ll be spending the next four years waiting to order my lunch,” said Rebecca Watkins ‘21, who on being admitted promptly withdrew her applications to the lines at Wisemiller’s Deli at Georgetown University and Columbia’s John Jay dining hall.
“Both of my parents were in line at Terrace, and they actually met there! It’s so great that I’ll be following in their footsteps.”
Sources report an expected ten percent of admitted students will be forced to turn down their offer due to a financial aid package inadequate to purchase a Terrace salad.
LARKSPUR, COLORADO — Recently admitted student Jacob Gerritsen was excited to graduate last Spring after using the 32 AP exams he took in high school, placing him out of every class in his Economics major.
“Honestly, I was kind of hoping to actually take some classes, but I guess this is alright,” said the prospective Cornell freshman holding his diploma, fresh from last May’s ceremonies. “I think I’m supposed to get a job or something now.”
The high-achieving high school admit had also reportedly taken a number of community college courses while in high school which ultimately helped him fulfill every credit requirement in the College of Arts and Sciences, and ultimately allow him to graduate the year before he had even decided to matriculate from Cornell.
Gerritsen found out that he had already been offered an investment banking job two months ago, and he was due for his promotion last Tuesday.