“Most Diverse” Class of 2022 Welcomed To Campus Riddled With Hate Crimes

DAY HALL—Yesterday, the University selected 5,288 students to create “the most diverse class in university history” and is proud to welcome the Class of 2022 to a campus riddled with hate crimes.

“We have admitted a highly talented and accomplished [class] who will flourish as Cornellians,” said senior vice provost Barbara Knuth, neglecting to add “unless they become victims of a race-motivated assault.”

The incoming students, of which 33% are underrepresented minorities and 54% are students of color, will be considering an institution where minorities are verbally and physically assaulted by their peers.

“I’ve got a pretty difficult decision to make,” said recent admit Luis Torres. “Pro: I could receive a world-class education and open so many doors for myself, but con: I might get beaten up on the weekends for not being white. Hmm! I don’t know!”

The Administration has noted that it strongly opposes all hate crimes, establishing the official stance that “racists are bad” and continuing to combat incidents with thoughts and prayers.

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