DAY HALL—Yesterday, the University selected 5,288 students to create “the most diverse class in university history” and is proud to welcome the Class of 2022 to a campus riddled with hate crimes.
“We have admitted a highly talented and accomplished [class] who will flourish as Cornellians,” said senior vice provost Barbara Knuth, neglecting to add “unless they become victims of a race-motivated assault.”
The incoming students, of which 33% are underrepresented minorities and 54% are students of color, will be considering an institution where minorities are verbally and physically assaulted by their peers.
“I’ve got a pretty difficult decision to make,” said recent admit Luis Torres. “Pro: I could receive a world-class education and open so many doors for myself, but con: I might get beaten up on the weekends for not being white. Hmm! I don’t know!”
The Administration has noted that it strongly opposes all hate crimes, establishing the official stance that “racists are bad” and continuing to combat incidents with thoughts and prayers.